Sure, politicians rob from us, the people—but only because it’s in our best interest. If they didn’t rob from us, somebody else would, and this other scoundrel wouldn’t even bother to wrap the theft in...

We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind me of her.

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

A pear, an apple, and a banana in a basket on a table isn’t art, no matter how skillfully painted. But it is something to talk about, or at least a tasty way to utilize...

I like sex to be intense. I also like sex to be in tents.

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet painting, while mine is realistic, like a Rembrandt.

I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.

Love is timeless, like a broken watch.

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

Your dead cat would look great on my t-shirt—along with tire tracks on my chest. What better time is there to love than now?

My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.

We made love like the three minutes between 3:32 and 3:34. My endurance is even worse than my math.

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

Hockey started in Canada, but it won’t finish, because nothing is ever done. Only winners know that.

I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.

I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The rusty can is all my father left me when he left us to...

I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

I only like bubble gum if it’s flavored like the bottom of my shoe. I once stepped on my stepdad, but he was dressed like a puddle so it’s not like I’m at fault.

I am not challenging you to be you, I am challenging you to be you. In the first case, I’d be challenging you for your role; while in the second instance, I’d be issuing you...

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

I’ll give you the mother-in-law discount—200% of the 50% off sales price.

I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot...

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

A person isn’t an assortment of body parts. A person is a collection of habits and decisions.

I cook. My favorite thing to make is love.

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I keep the dishwasher in the trunk.

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, “Fourth floor, please.

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still and balanced and don’t let the brick fall off. Actually, keeping the brick...

Life is struggle. Poor people struggle to get money, and rich people struggle to keep their money.

You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price.

Built.” Similarly, a brick is complete in and of itself, but it is also a part of the process of building, and a part of the end result, a newly constructed built.

There’s money to be made with a name like Cash. I should print myself into popularity.

Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)