Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.

If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time...

Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get...

I want to be the guy who the guy you admire admires. I hope his name is Guy, because I admire M.C. Escher.

I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking to conch shells, but he did listen to...

What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.

If my clone were a painter, he’d be an impressionist.

If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.

It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune selling to politicians.

Couples should be able to share their dreams with one another. That’s why for just $69.69, you’ll like what I have to sell you. It’s not just one tube and two suction cups you each...

To know is good, but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknowledge the wisdom in this is the best.

Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.

I had a dream about you. My office was a closet, and your office was a huge fur factory. I wanted a raise, and you got the elevator.

Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever. Leave a legacy of love and say only kind things.

Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex....

I had a dream about you. You loved me, and I loved you. We had an amazing life until you realized that I also loved your clone. You were jealous, and I didn’t see the...

I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips,...

The Nike Swoosh looks like a crowbar used to pry apart tight wallets. In other words, it looks like a politician’s smile.

I had a dream about you. Two empty benches sat on a man, and I jogged by but did not stop, because I knew if I did I’d fall asleep and that damn tortoise would...

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

I read about sneezing and immediately sneezed. I must be allergic to reading.

A half a hole is the same as a whole hole, no matter how much love you intend to bury. Love is a treasure, and to keep it safe you need to do as the...

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk.

I got excited when I saw a midget, and then disappointed when I realized it was just a child. Those things are so common.

Her name is Shelen, and I think she probably has a brother named Helen. He is Helen, a male with a female’s name, but life could be worse. He could be a liar, a thief,...

I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans not named Norman is underestimated in history, and I fear neither woman nor...

I want to give the gift of life—to myself, in the form of my clone. So I’ll be giving myself myself, and I’ll be grateful—and so will I.

The love between a man and an animal is a sacred thing. Well, at least it was, until the politicians started answering to the lobbyists and not the people.

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)

With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d change is her.

A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it’s itchy and sweaty.

I had a dream about you. Before I shaved my beard, I looked like a cat. My facial hair accurately represented my political beliefs, and if you don’t agree, well you can just lick my...

When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.

If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m...

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

Jacksonville has pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasts, and mannequin fuckers. We also have other kinds of politicians too.

I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

If I could go back in time, I’d love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh’s ear, but not while it was attached to his head.

Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.

The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.