I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father, 53 years ago. Kindly pour some on my salad and I’ll be on...

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.

The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I hated those fucking people.

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

My love is popular. It must be, because I never have any. Is it because I don’t produce any, or because I’m always sold out?

Love is a peaceful feeling, like a flower hugging a butterfly.

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

My sheep pants don’t make me one of them. However, 37 Brantleys made an appeal on my behalf, but I still have to take off my pants.

If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a physical representation—that of a high five. But don’t try to give me a...

I stabbed her with the time. It was 8:00 sharp. Right through the heart, my love is punctual and pointy.

My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.

It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.

We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

I was half asleep when I first saw her. She thought I was being flirty and winking at her. One eye open, one eye shut, that’s the best way to see love.

Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.

Love is, or you isn’t.

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.

Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

My boy’s going to grow up so big and strong he’ll be able to beat up both his dad and his grandpa—at the same time. Though I hope he never has to do that. One...

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras,...

My love is heavy with ink, so I took it and transformed it into a poem for you. I would give it to you, but Grandma took it because I left it on the counter,...

If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.

I applied for an overnight stocking position at a supermarket, but I didn’t get the job. It probably went to somebody the manager knew. What, did I have to go to Harvard to get the...

I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.

I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.

Our love was so hot it could melt the polar ice caps. In fact, my passion’s probably to blame for global warming.

I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.

What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has to make money the hard way—by producing a good or service that others...

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.

He’s half blind because he’s in love.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

Call me archaic, but I like making money the old-fashioned way—through prostitution.

I’m 31 and she’s three decades younger. She’s like the mother I never had.

When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

a lover of love.

I exact revenge with precision. I’m very exact.

She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always...

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.