Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...

I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?

When you pay for security, it seems like you’re paying for nothing—and that’s the point. You’re paying so nothing happens. Safety is the absence of something.

A brick could be used as motivation to acquire more bricks. Hey, I’m just trying to help here. Don’t shut me out by building a wall between us.

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

My love is ripe for the peaching. Let me make Georgia to you all night long—and if I have the endurance, maybe even up to South Carolina.

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

I had a dream about you. I walked by and you whistled like I was a piece of meat. And I was a piece of meat—I was a thin slice of ham. You were two...

I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s...

I was once attacked by a Federal park. But due to governmental inefficiencies, I had to report it to highway patrol.

Decaffeinated coffee is like orgasmless sex. I guess I’ll take some, if you know anyone who’s offering.

I Google myself to find out who I am as a person.

Our love was full of passion that only youth can provide. When she left me, I was heartbroken. But it was inevitable. Kindergarten was just around the corner, and we were both going to different...

I can make love for hours, give or take 117 minutes.

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look...

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

Dad.” (By the way, Bob is NOT my dad).

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.

I am the Secretary of Secrecy. I’ve got filing cabinets and safes full of Shh! That’s also where I store all my love for you.

What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?

I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose, and it’s our goal to see that it blossoms.

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.

My skyscraper of a heart met an earthquake of a woman. Why can’t I meet a simple window washer? My love is a hundred stories tall—and I wrote every single one of those stories.

Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.

I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love too deeply. Wrong! I love too widely.

Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that’s what I told the police during their interrogation.

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.

I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world.

I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.

Half man, half tree, I have patience—and leaves. Forest fires make me sweat. Let’s go for a walk. You’ll have to push me in a wheelbarrow.

You’re adopted” smile.

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

I put a bowling ball in a football helmet, because safety first. I got a score the bowling alley had never seen before. The didn’t see it because it was an invisible 0.

I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount.

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance.

Love says hello, and hate says goodbye. Your mom also says hello.

I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.

My love is colorful, like a rainbow that’s only shades of blue. Monochromatic for monoamor.

I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.