Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also feel so bad for Chad.

I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out and evaporate. Scotch on the rocks, anyone?

I had a dream about you. I invented and sold shoes that left no footprints, and you were thinking about committing a murder in a muddy area. I said that committing a murder was a...

A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.

Did I hear that right? Did someone say ice cream? It’s an odd thing to say in the middle of a eulogy, but hell yes, I could go for some ice cream. We could take...

Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.

If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?

A politician is a person whose brain is as jiggly as Jell-O, only not as intelligent.

I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

I like great music, but who doesn’t? Oh yeah, deaf people.

I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!

I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.”...

We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat. Actually, you are the Galapagos Islands. Or perhaps you are a failed Pollack...

I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us how to use Photoshop and Illistrator by showing the class demonstration video clips....

I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s worth.

Branding is marketing and networking. It’s netmarking.

I’ll never forget my time with her. The two of us made love like three lawn chairs—the kind that fold up.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

Dinner was good. The conversation was great, but the food was bad, so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.

Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.

Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don’t go looking for sex along the interstate.

Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind me of her.

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

Let’s make Kool-Aid together. I’ll bring the Kool-Aid and the sugar, if you water down the sex.

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

I like sex to be intense. I also like sex to be in tents.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

p.” Stay quiet woman!

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...