If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven’t heard it because I’m deaf to...

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

Who art thou? Are you art, or a guy named Art? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is, Are you for sale?

I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

Snow on one side of the canvas, silence on the other. I’d call that a perfect painting.

I feel like having another thigh and calf would give me a leg up on my competition.

If the government really wanted to stimulate the economy, it should distribute Viagra and coffee.

I had a dream about you. The ice melted so quickly in our relationship that I didn’t even have a chance to tell you I loved you. So I just sat there, alone, slurping up...

I think it would be funny if some guy walked into a house and said he just stepped in shit. Then he’d ask other people to look at the bottom of his shoes as he...

Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.

I had a dream about you. You were the lead guitarist in a band with no voice, and you were holding auditions for lead singer. Everybody in line in front of me and behind me...

My belief is that during conversations, it’s not so much what you say, it’s how you say it that matters. What’s being heard is secondary to what’s being seen, as body language leads the discussion...

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.

I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best second-time dinner I’ve ever had a first time. Oh, I had it before,...

I am the burrito in the taco. Hold your skepticism, and the lettuce.

Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him...

I had a dream about you. It was raining, and you were anorexic and shaped like an umbrella. We fell in love like a desert has a dry sense of humor. I laughed so hard...

I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

She burst in the door, I burst into song, and he burst into flames. Our love triangle turned into dinner for two featuring roasted marshmallows.

Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any information, as my mind wanders in a pre dream state. That’s also how...

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.

I had a dream about you. You had four legs like a cat has four legs like a chair has four legs, and I was looking for a place to sit. Then you meowed at...

Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.

Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.

It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I’d probably reply, “Two gallons of milk and a midget.

I like great music, but who doesn’t? Oh yeah, deaf people.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

I wish I had a body like fog or mist, and could move mysteriously. But genetics being what they are, I’m stuck with a body like haze.

Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.”...

Your life is a collection of body parts that could be used to save many people. And you’re not doing anything. What are you doing with your life that’s so important? Come on, let’s dissemble...

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.

If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves...