Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.

I fell in love like Mondays at noon. Too bad none were around to witness my epic Tuesday. Let’s make Wednesday one last time before you have to Thurday.

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up.

I was the last person to see her alive. The cops don’t believe me, because I saw her before I was born.

Human sperm is liquefied dandelion florets, and an estimated one out of every thousand children are born as flowers. This is an indisputable fact, just as being love can elongate the genitals to cucumber-like proportions....

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

unique,” just to keep it youneeq.

I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I love you like my numerical identity.

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and...

He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny...

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

The first permanent structure in Jacksonville was a school/saloon. It was built by the Irish.

For dinner I had seared sneer with a glaze of distant gaze, and a side of mashed pride covered in grace.

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.

I’d sip your tears with a straw while you sleep, because I’m thirsty for your love. And the more I’d drink, the thirstier I’d become. Your love is oceanic.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

We were divided by color. Not black and white, but colour/color. She was British, and I was honoured to engage her in a spelling debate.

We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

The remote isn’t broke—it just needs batteries. Well, it’s the same with my love.

I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the...

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

This couple thought they were as smooth as crunchy peanut butter. But they didn’t fool me with their Bonnie and Clyde act. I knew they were guilty of being innocent the moment I saw them.

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

He asked me an important question, so I said nothing, but silently reached for a piece of paper and scribbled down the words: Peacocks love peach cobbler.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

To not get caught, commit your crime in such a way so that anybody could have done it, because if anybody could have pulled it off than everyone is a suspect, and therefore nobody is...

Sometimes I pretend I’m from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future’s like, huh?

I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.

I would offer to meet up for some coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems. It’s just that I haven’t been the same since...

0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love.

If you take away my office, how will I get no work done?

All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.

In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.

How am I? I would be good if I weren’t stuck at work. I work at a glue factory.

Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.

It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette.