A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

Just when you thought you’d considered all the angles, life goes from a square to a cube. Love should also be 3D.

When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

Don’t show me how I messed up, because I don’t need to be shown. Clearly if I’ve messed up once, I can do it again without any coaching from you.

Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.

I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.

You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.

I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?

The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s...

There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

I’d love to visit a zoo stocked with stuffed animals. Where would all the real animals be? Well, the real animals would be where they always are: in Congress.

I must have told her I loved her a thousand times. But none of that matters now that she has discovered that I told her best friend I loved her a thousand and one times.

How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18. Then try running for political office.

I dance so fluid that I often drink the floor.

Donkeys and elephants represent us politically. Why? Because snakes and roaches would be too obvious.

I’m an amazing dancer. Of course, to the casual observer, my dancing looks like I’m walking and then sitting.

Have an itch? Simple—rub poison ivy over the rest of your body, so that all the skin contributes its fair share to a unified, and more hopeful, future. That’s top-level political thinking right there.

On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.

I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the...

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).

I am the Zam Maz of love. Or at least I will be, once 572w167e74zx2.

Artists have to have a good eye. And to be great, I’d recommend having two.

Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.

Certain people, people who are certain, are always wrong—and that itself is certainly wrong because it’s always always.

The only reason I don’t know more about love is because there just isn’t more to know. In fact, I’ve reduced love to a mathematical formula: Hdgk(X)=H2k(X,Q)∩Hk,k(X). Actually, that’s not right. That’s the statement piece...

I gave the robber a gift that transformed him from a thief to an honest recipient of a present when I said what he took from me wasn’t stolen, but was a gift from me...

I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.

Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.

They say you fear what you don’t understand. Maybe that’s why every time I’m in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.

Art books are filled with interesting images. And that’s cool and all, but I look more for the nudes.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

Any fool can masturbate, but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

I had a dream about you. I had superhuman strength, not unlike I possess when I’m awake, and you wanted me to enter and win the World’s Strongest Man competition. I told you my super...

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

I had a dream about you. Flowers were overflowing in the cemetery, so we decided to have a picnic there. You brought apple pie, and I brought my Aunt Mildred, who’d been dead for some...

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.

I had a dream about you. You thought we had everything we needed—food, water, shelter, and love. But I forgot to tell you that to buy the food, water, and shelter, I sold our love...

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

I had a dream about you. We almost made love in the produce section of your local grocery store, but when I asked if you brought protection, you told me you’d forgotten the coupons at...

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?