Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.

Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.

I’d eat a mosquito to satisfy my hunger for an itch.

My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same

Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?

I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.

There are two apples, one is green and the other is red. Which apple would the wise man choose? The answer is: I’ll take the one you didn’t choose. You see, you are the fool...

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

Is that a hairy snake around her neck? Looks like something a murderess would wear. It’s as if she’s broadcasting, Come here and cuddle with my cute, furry boa constrictor. Let me drape it around...

I’m the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I...

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.

The spotlight hides blemishes, and shadows hide from the brightness. When love shines down on you, you’ll be glad you purchased your Albino Survival Kit, available for sale starting at $99.99.

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

I shot a deaf man. And just to be sure, I used a silencer.

Arrogant and ignorant go together like peanut butter and jelly. Would you like a sandwich?

I got some body work done. Both to my car, and to my clone. Now my car looks like a complete stranger, and I look like a Mercedes.

After a lot of stalling and posturing, I finally admitted I had feelings for her. Most notably I felt anger and resentment, and a few less positive emotions.

Sadly, like any major city, there are pockets of poverty in Jacksonville. Four of those pockets can be found on the very pants I’m wearing.

Her legs are so long and sexy that I can see them 26.2 miles away. Gatorade.

Love is the best feeling in the universe. Actually, that’s not true. But only because I haven’t been very many places in the universe.

I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

I think I have a strange thing growing out of my neck that causes me to think too much.

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.

I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.

Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench.

When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.

I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!

The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

I always order a small coffee in a medium cup—to leave room for cream, without subtracting from the full amount of coffee I paid for. I’m like that with love too, except I don’t need...

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look like masterpieces.

The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret, or cat, in the bag in the first place? I thought only kidnap victims were...

I want to get married. But first I need to get a divorce.

As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.