I’m a sound sleeper. Every time I hear a sound I wake up. Sometimes I envy Helen Keller.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower purchases is a true indication that a man loves a woman.

I messed around once with a woman named Twice. But it won’t happen a third time.

What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

Pride must be a summer thing, because it “comes before the fall.

I sing karaoke like I drink coffee. If my words come out a bit gargled, relax, that’s precisely how Hootie and the Blowfish is supposed to sound.

Love is a four-letter word. So is glue, only it isn’t as sticky. And I must admit, I still eat it all the time.

Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue, the last thing I want is more chasing. Let’s cut to the caught.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.

I’ve got a great body. It’s got four wheels under it and I drive it to work. I would give you a ride to work, but what am I, a camel? No, I’m the Love...

She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

She had sexy legs. They were attached to her torso. Or maybe those were her arms.

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange floating through the sky.

Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

When I think about all the thinking I’ve done, I get sleepy, like a coffee-colored bear.

If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great...

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet...

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

Most writers might as well write in invisible ink, because if what they’re writing is forgettable, it might as well be invisible too.

I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time.

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

I wouldn’t read Jarod’s writing—not even if he paid me to read it. And he does pay me to read his writing, but that doesn’t mean I do.” Of course the quote continued on, but...

Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you with the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award. Keep up the great...

I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking?

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying...

A picture is worth a thousand words, but is 400% less valuable, because a picture only captures one of the senses—sight. However, words can describe the other four senses, making writing four times more potent...

I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.

My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.

All Quiet on the Western Front.

I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

boo” in book.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a patch of Bigfoot’s fur, and a patch of land on Pluto (limit one...

I had a dream about you. You wore a cowboy boot, and I wore a better fitting hat. You were in a white dress, like a wedding dress, only weddinger. I was wearing a twisted...

One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.

Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to...