Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

She said she was a loser, and I argued she was a winner. I won the argument, thus losing the argument because my winning made her a loser.

My boy’s going to grow up so big and strong he’ll be able to beat up both his dad and his grandpa—at the same time. Though I hope he never has to do that. One...

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.

You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I’d still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You’ll hear my flattering words when you see...

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.

Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat....

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.

Most kids start talking by age two. I didn’t say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn’t “Mom” or “Dad.” It was “No.

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has to make money the hard way—by producing a good or service that others...

I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other...

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.

I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

Call me archaic, but I like making money the old-fashioned way—through prostitution.

I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat.

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

a lover of love.

I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

Can you spell that for me? I’m colorblind.

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won’t be using them.

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money.

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

Are there any sleeping jobs, because I have a lot of experience. Years and years, actually. And with on the job training, I can show up to work tired.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

I don’t argue with opinions, and I don’t argue with opinions. I don’t argue against them, and I don’t argue using them.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.

The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll want to continue doing it in my free time.

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.

In high school I attended a magnet school—for refrigerators.

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

Nothing is going on under his skull. All his neural activity happens between his hips.