If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

A hug—it’s been holding me back from achieving my goals.

Before I die, I want to change my name to “Here,” so that my tombstone could simply read, “Here lies.” And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, “Ain’t...

Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.

Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look exactly the same as me.

Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.

I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.

I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.

It’s possible that I couldn’t handle the truth, but I sure wouldn’t mind fondling it to find out.

America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.

Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.

Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.

Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand for one thing—a public willing to remain seated like obedient children, while they...

At night my shadow multiplies, and clones itself into total darkness. Half of all nudists hate me half the time, and half love me half the time. Sadly for me, the half who love me...

At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on.

Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.

If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

I’m a party animal. And that animal is a bear, during the winter months.

I had a dream about you. We watched the sunset together like a couple of perverts in a peep show. I really liked your idea of cutting a hole in a sheet of plywood, because...

I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.

I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said .And I’m a shepherd. If I see a sheep I like, I fuck it, I replied. I mean I would,...

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.

As eternal beings, we shouldn’t let our time spent trapped in the temporal prisons we call our bodies distract us from the fact that love is forever. Love now and love later, because the two...

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.

If you’re doing it right, love takes everything you’ve got—just like a politician.

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

Don’t leave me alone. Love me alone.

Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.

I don’t work out, but I do work in, which requires more focus and stillness.

Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.

I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).

I had a dream about you. You wanted to go for a walk, and I wanted to start a parade. I suggested we team up, but you said you’d rather have sex with a cactus....

Love is the best gift because it’s free to give and priceless to receive.

Politics is the art of doing nothing and ruining everything.

How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.

His breath smelled like defeat. And dick—mine, which incidentally smelled like his asshole. Ah, but that’s just politics.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and...

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?