Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.

My love for you is like a Florida sunset. Orange, coral, pink, and lavender, it exists to warm your heart through the inevitable darkness.

They say you fear what you don’t understand. Maybe that’s why every time I’m in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

I am Clap Man. It’s a reverse super power, because instead of me doing the heavy lifting, I just applaud and encourage and others do all the work.

Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, “Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.

My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.

A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax collector.

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

A brick could be used as an AFD, or Atmospheric Floating Device, whose sole function is to make people ask WTF?

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up.

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

A brick could be used to block a mouse hole. But something better that would not only block the hole physically, but also psychologically, would be to stuff a dead rat in the hole.

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.

Most people assume because my name is Jarod that I was born Martha proof. But I’m not Martha proof—I’m merely Martha resistant up to 100 meters.

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

According to research from punchaguywithglasses.com, homeless people are making as much money as most recent college graduates.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

I drink wine like beer, only twice as much less.

A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

When I’m 42, I’ll have 21 years of experience being 21. I’ll be doubly prepared to handle myself in a bar, most likely by avoiding them altogether.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society,...

The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

meatloaf” you’ll be serving them.

I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

Twitter: Up to the minute details that are minute. I’d like to update and reaffirm my love for you every sixty seconds.

I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.