With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.

I’m trained in sarcasm. It’s like karate, only the sting lasts longer.

Astronauts Make Better Lovers” Award. But I say, Take off your fucking helmet when I’m talking to you. And do they really make better lovers? I say, Put on your concrete boots, Lunar Child III,...

I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.

Love comes in many sizes, as do rubber nets called condoms. I use those nets to fish for tiny people.

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?

Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing west. Sorry, east. I am looking in a mirror, so it’s all reversed.

As our bodies are mostly made of water, I’d rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of sugar water, I’d rather be a hummingbird caged in your heart.

Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just as sweet.

Celebrate your disability at Handicapped Parking Spot Day. (Spaces are limited, so reserve your spot today.)

A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s approaching empty. The human heart should also be see-through, so I can tell...

Through such advanced techniques like sleeping, I started exploring the depths of me. And until you find out who you are, or stop yawning, I suggest you do the same.

My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats walking through a car wash, like I used to do when I worked...

Reach into your heart and find the gold in it. Mine is shaped like an Olympic medal.

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.

I don’t like ice in my whiskey. I like bullets. Why? Because for every ice cube I don’t use, an Eskimo gets to keep one square inch of his igloo. So I’m saving twice the...

I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

I have moves like a go-go dancer mixed with Inspector Gadget’s go-go gadget legs. Do I detect you thinking not with your brain but with your Brain, in that you want to hump my leg?

No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)

You can’t put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I’d demand coupons for clones.

Have some Itch Soup. I made it from scratch. It tastes like beef jerky, minus the beef. It has all the flavor of starts and stops.

My dad and I aren’t close, despite the fact that he’s standing in my shadow. My love for him must make him chilly.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

A beer bottle on a stick, like a broom, is less for cleaning and more for distance drinking. My floor is so filthy I’ll drink twelve.

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be...

Unless I’m dead, I’ll definitely be at your funeral. Just be sure to return the favor and show up at mine. Your death will be the death of me, and that is why you should...

It.” Boy or girl, It is perfect.

I had a dream about you. People didn’t understand our relationship. You were a birdwatcher, and I was a pair of binoculars. You may not have loved me, but your love passed through me, and...

Quicksand is nature’s way of saying slow down. Me pushing you in quicksand is my way of saying be still and let me love you. Isn’t it funny how a lasso looks like a noose?

When nobody knows who you are, you have no power. But when nobody knows who you are, you have no weakness.

How about 8:01?

Knowing where you come from is just as important as knowing who you aren’t. You aren’t your own clone.

Standing around making ten dollars an hour—that’s what they pay me the big bucks for.

I looked up from my paper and tried to remember her name. I was drawing a blank. That’s what happens when I doodle in invisible ink.

I’m nothing. I’m just a humble man in a bumblebee costume trying to pollinate with a woman as romantic as a flower. Love doesn’t have to sting.

If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that’s true, it makes me sound wealthy and...

I want to do something spontaneous, like combust.

Thanks, but my name is Gracias.

He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t put food on my table.

I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left my innocence in there.

How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth, by I. Brows

Why spend ten dollars to buy one item that does two things, when for five dollars a piece I can sell you two items that each does one thing?

I am a bowling alley celebrity. Women throw themselves at me. Sometimes other women (larger women) throw other women (smaller women) at me.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

There’s no room for love in my life. My car trunk is already full of groceries, a spare tire, and two kidnap victims.

He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.

Sleep is fueled by no fuel. If I had enough coffee, I’d never have to sleepwalk my way through a marathon again.