I’m currently drinking a coffee cup full of yesterday and thinking about tomorrow. My past is so dark it makes me think my future could use some cream.

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it’s no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

I made a Lindsey Sandwich out of two Jennifers and a Jessica. Then I ate it like I make love—alone, in the corner, with a box of tissues and lots of tears.

I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.

If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan lotion. The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the...

Love is me plus you. But what’s with the midget in the corner recording all of our interactions? I thought I fired him yesterday.

The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.

The Sweater Song” was inspired by a legendary cat sweater I knitted.

I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some.

I want a coffee machine that runs on gasoline and drives me to work. We can make love in the backseat, next to the cream and sugar.

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

If you want me, you’d better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited.

In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.

We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong.

Stupidity mixed with arrogance mixed with anger mixed with adrenaline is a deadly combination. Just as deadly as adding fries and a soda and making it a combo meal.

I showed my concern by showing her my penis. Was that not appropriate behavior at a funeral? What better way to display a lifetime of love that’s been zipped away from the eyes of world?

I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their...

The punishment for misbehaving in hell is a trip to Cleveland. Or maybe making love to the same person for eternity.

If I had 31 minutes to live, I’d ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I’m always like that, rounding up and needy.

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

You can’t rain on my parade. It’s an umbrella parade.

On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky masks.

Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray.

Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.

I had a dream about you. I was a small business owner, and you were also a small business owner. The difference was I was a sole proprietor, and you were a midget.

33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.

I have a strong opinion on steroids.

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.

Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.

Blankets could be used as scapegoats for global warming. But why blame the blankets? Wouldn’t it be more fun, and more accurate, to blame politicians?

It’s amazing how nostalgia filters out the bad and focuses only on the good.

I’ve eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as “Chicken Lo Mein.

A brick could be used as a mule. Sure, you could argue it’d be better used as a donkey, but I’d counter that with some jackass comment.

I wish the military were the militerary. Less fighting and more reading.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the...

I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.

I’ll use your chicken burrito as a crayon. I’ll draw what love looks like, if you promise not to eat it.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.

I ate leftover karate chops, before they could smash through the Styrofoam container holding them.

When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!

Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

Her smile energizes me as the sun photosynthesizes life. Our love grows daily.

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.

English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.

I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am.