I had a dream about you. You acted like a stranger, and tried to introduce yourself to me while standing next to me at my neighboring urinal in the men’s room. You tried to shake...

Eat Bubblegum” dance, I can’t actually perform it because my belly doesn’t bulge out far enough. When I make love it sounds like I’m chewing on a chalkboard.

A politician is a person whose brain is as jiggly as Jell-O, only not as intelligent.

I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!

I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat. Actually, you are the Galapagos Islands. Or perhaps you are a failed Pollack...

I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us how to use Photoshop and Illistrator by showing the class demonstration video clips....

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

Branding is marketing and networking. It’s netmarking.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

This is my logo for Two-Faced

Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That’s one of my hobbies, when I’m not impersonating statues of mimes.

Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.

Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the Bensalem edition).

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

So you’re going to Walmart, huh? Those checkout lines can take an eternity to get through. Well, pick me up some chips while you’re there.

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

Growing up, I had a lot of dreams. I was depressed and I slept all the time.

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive in Jacksonville, I don’t think they even read that much.

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

Jacksonville has more public libraries than people who know how to read.

p.” Stay quiet woman!

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

Freedom isn’t free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next one half off.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

Music can elevate man to new heights. Especially elevator music.

Dance like there’s nobody watching. Or filming. Never mind that creepy guy in the corner with the camcorder. Just keep dancing.

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

I always thought I’d make a great backup singer. I don’t practice. It’s just pure talent.

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

Deciduous trees are trees that can’t decide what outfit to wear, so they change three times a year.

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to hear: woman, I’m hungry.

Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of...

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.