The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.

My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

The woman I love rolled through town yesterday, and she didn’t even stop her wheelchair once as she passed through. I got so angry I had to walk it off.

Dad.

I’m the same old guy I was when I was a young guy.

I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.

I have a hidden talent. I hid it in the dungeon. Why don’t you go down there and have a look at it? I’ll lock up after you.

A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath.

My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.

There’s nothing like a good murder to remind us all how much love there is in the world. That’s what this guy’s probably thinking, as he stands alone and naked—emotionally, not physically—as he’s obviously wearing...

A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends.

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

The moveless man moves along like the mist. The mist doesn’t hide, but all things are hidden in it—including the fog. Love is the only thing that moves the moveless man, and he hasn’t the...

To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.

A brick could be grown on a tree, much like an apple or money, so that maybe humanity could achieve world peace—starting with not killing innocent fruits and vegetables.

I am a great customer. I’m not a loyal customer, but that’s what makes me great—my willingness to shop other brands for better buys.

A blanket could be used as a flag, for a sleepy nation.

I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.

Brick is to blanket, as ellipses is to…

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

I’ve got to pee.

If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t have done that.

I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me.

We made love the way a man with one leg might run a marathon. 26.2 miles is a long way to hop for an orgasm.

Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.

You vote Democrat even if you vote Republican, because they’re two sides of the same coin. So stop flipping that coin. The illusion of controlling the outcome of the coin toss is why we’re all...

Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can’t run with them, or spread them?

Some people hide behind rules and regulations to deliver sadistic punishments, as if they don’t secretly delight in causing pain and abusing their power.

I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?

They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘ eyes are closed, so their secret locations aren’t revealed.

Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.

I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don’t come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.

I do not agree with what you have to say, but at your death I’ll defend what you rightfully should have said.

A twirling flower turns each petal into a fan blade. Who knew a symbol of love could be so breezy?

Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.

I wanted to study graphic design, because I wanted to work in an office with designer desks, ergonomic chairs, pool tables, and walls so colorful it looks like a flock of flamingoes exploded and splattered...

If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.

I am two lucky guys.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.

Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I’d rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?

My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going.

Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to...

I had a dream about you. When our talks ended, we left off with leftovers. I stuffed our conversation in Tupperware, but you just left it out to rot and decompose.

I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.

Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...