As an aspiring fashion designer, and lover of human anatomy, I always wonder why nipples don’t appear on the outside of shirts.

I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

If we could all drink ourselves to innocence, I’d be guilty. And I mean that in a way that I don’t mean that.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

This is my logo for Mouth

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.

Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry. And I just want to sell tickets to an event people will pay...

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was a coach looking to recruit some new fruit, but I decided to give...

Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in...

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, “If you can read this, Happy Birthday!

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

We’re not so different, you and I. Sure, we may have different religious beliefs, political outlooks, sexual orientations, economic viewpoints, and artistic/literary/culinary tastes, but deep down we both want the same thing: To be loved...

My TV’s broken. It’s step one in my goal to read more.

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.

Water is central to Jacksonville, and natives think of rivers as roads. Why, just the other day I was driving on the interstate, and I was being tailgated by a lunatic in a canoe. So...

In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.

The way my vacuum cleaner sucks up cat hair, I shouldn’t have been surprised when it huffed up my mustache. But I was surprised it sucked out all the love and romance in our relationship.

We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.

When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258)

When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.

The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar?

I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to, with the possible exception of grandma’s casserole.

A helicopter is just like a flying ceiling fan. My love is the journey of the breeze.