My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long.

I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said .And I’m a shepherd. If I see a sheep I like, I fuck it, I replied. I mean I would,...

As eternal beings, we shouldn’t let our time spent trapped in the temporal prisons we call our bodies distract us from the fact that love is forever. Love now and love later, because the two...

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.

I get sex. I completely get sex—even though I don’t get sex. I understand it, but I never have it.

If you’re doing it right, love takes everything you’ve got—just like a politician.

Don’t leave me alone. Love me alone.

I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?

Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.

I don’t work out, but I do work in, which requires more focus and stillness.

I accept all people—even the people I find unacceptable.

Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.

I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).

Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.

I had a dream about you. You wanted to go for a walk, and I wanted to start a parade. I suggested we team up, but you said you’d rather have sex with a cactus....

Love is the best gift because it’s free to give and priceless to receive.

I’m growing a love seat in my heart. It’s leather and covered in fur, from a mix up with my cat’s back, some glue, my tongue, and my confusion over how to best clean the...

Politics is the art of doing nothing and ruining everything.

How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.

My love for you is like a Florida sunset. Orange, coral, pink, and lavender, it exists to warm your heart through the inevitable darkness.

His breath smelled like defeat. And dick—mine, which incidentally smelled like his asshole. Ah, but that’s just politics.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

I am Clap Man. It’s a reverse super power, because instead of me doing the heavy lifting, I just applaud and encourage and others do all the work.

Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.

Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and...

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up.

My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

Enjoy every second—even if at first you only win second. Keep competing until all your competition has died of old age and you are the winner by default.

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

Life: Don’t count the minutes, count your blessings.

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.