I had a dream about you. You were drinking apple juice, and I was drinking horse piss, though the spectators in the stadium couldn’t tell who was drinking what, even though one million dollars for...

When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in punishment.

Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

I sleep around. I sleep around my cat, who sleeps like a boulder in the middle of the bed and refuses to move.

Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are. -What makes you think I don’t own a mirror? Every face that ever looks at me tells me that...

When you’re as ugly as I am, you need all the beauty sleep you can get. I’ll be in the restroom resting if you need me. Knock three times so I know it’s you and...

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...

Love is like a cloud in a lake. It’s reflective and makes it feel like you are flying, when you are really either swimming or trying not to drown.

I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work...

I’m thirsty for your love. I hope you don’t mind, but I drank straight from the carton—without even checking to see if it had expired.

If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn’t try to play the piano with my nose.

My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.

Love is a thunderstorm, and I am the desert.

Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same, and the things that stay the same are the things I wish changed.

I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes.

If you say renewable, I’ll think energy. If you say fore, I’ll think play. If you say binary, I’ll think anal defibrillator.

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

I am an uncle, though this is not a new feeling for me, as I’ve been one before. I’ve also been 2 through 32, and I turn 33 in March.

I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not.

She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date...

William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?

The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more days a year. It represents the stock market, with green symbolizing greed, and...

I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the time. I saved my allowance for two years to be able to afford...

Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with...

You can believe history books when they tell you when wars were fought. You just can’t trust them as to why.

Morning coffee is my preferred method of starting my evening. I make love all the time half the time. That half is night. Wake me up when it’s ready.

Lay on me, and let my heat escape up to you, while you’ll act as my insulation and blanket.

If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn’t be a jazz musician, I’d be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.

Working in a hotel is the anti-coffee shop, because instead of it being a place that’ll wake you up, it’s a place to sleep. And it’s a place to have sex, which is something Starbucks...

Sorry I’m late.

Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists.

When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.

I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future.

It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with...

We made love like two cars that were out of gas. I tried to fill her up, but couldn’t because I myself was empty.

A brick could be used to support a wobbly table. Who got that table drunk, anyway?

I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were to suddenly run out of air? And while the people will be suffocating,...

I wore rubber gloves. Why? Because I ran out of condoms.

I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out of it.

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.

Politicians think the only way out of a hole is to keep digging.

I’m trained in sarcasm. It’s like karate, only the sting lasts longer.

One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about.

If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.

Love comes in many sizes, as do rubber nets called condoms. I use those nets to fish for tiny people.

I would crack a smile, but I don’t like breaking things.