Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Albatross Harbor’s Man of the Year Award” went to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And from all the votes this year (one), it looks like the winner will be me. I’ve already begun writing my acceptance...

I’m unreliable, admittedly, so you can’t believe me when I say I’m unreliable. I’m also in love, so that may contribute to my unreliability.

Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you.

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.

I do a lot of business with businesses. And I do a lot of business with individuals. And guess what? It turns out the two are the same, as both are made up of only...

My bathtub is big enough for two people to fit comfortably in separate showers. I’m the kind of lover that Lowe’s home improvement salesmen who are working for commission dream about.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

I walk slowly when I’m being introspective and nostalgic. Some might call it moping. But I don’t. I call it love.

I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy.

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

Jacksonville was founded by a man named Jack. Jack’s last name wasn’t Sonville, as you’d expect. Oddly, Jack’s last name was Fatherville, but since Jack was himself a bastard, he found the name Jackfatherville to...

The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.

Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.

Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.

I want to leave a legacy. I’ll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.

I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them because they are so bright. They’re almost as blinding as my love for you, only not as runny.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

The first time I saw Agatha she gave me a double wink. Most men might have interpreted it as a blink, but I saw it as a sexually developed ambidextrous double wink. Such talent! Such...

An upside down umbrella is a soup bowl. The next time it’s raining dinner, I’ll be there, and I’ll bring an extra spoon for you.

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

I drive by McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s everyday before I get to Taco Bell. Then I keep driving to Chipotle.

In my pants is where you need to look to find out everything you want to know about love. I got the magic formula from your grandma.

I love you” is alive and well.

To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

I did a finger painting today, and you can hardly even see my brushstrokes. Similarly, when we make love, you won’t even notice that I’m there.

Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese.

I had a dream about you. The Yesterday Leaf floated like a pack of feathers in flight. It was traveling north, because that’s the direction of warm tomorrow.

Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me and just as sweet.

I am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I’m embarrassed.

I’d eat a mosquito to satisfy my hunger for an itch.

I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.

Is that a hairy snake around her neck? Looks like something a murderess would wear. It’s as if she’s broadcasting, Come here and cuddle with my cute, furry boa constrictor. Let me drape it around...

People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show...

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

The spotlight hides blemishes, and shadows hide from the brightness. When love shines down on you, you’ll be glad you purchased your Albino Survival Kit, available for sale starting at $99.99.

I’ve been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.

My photograph represents me as a person, but not as a personality. My personality is best represented by a Rorschach test.

Sometimes to make no move is to make the wrong move. That’s how I fell in love with a statue. We just sat still and I formed a connection.

The only thing cats love more than food is sleep. We have that in common.

If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.