I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

He’s dead. I don’t celebrate who he was, but who he isn’t. He isn’t alive, and that is a great reason to party.

I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

My hobbies include urinating in empty apple juice bottles and then pouring the contents into kitty litter and trying to get the clumps to form shapes of historical figures.

Somewhere, on some sidewalk, is a piece of gum with my shoe’s imprint patterned on it. You must find it and bring it to justice.

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.

Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.

In flew influence, and out fluttered humility.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and...

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

I took my shoes for a walk. They’re furry and they bark.

I am Ebenezer Snooze, and I am frugal with my sleep. I buy warm coffee cold, so I can get a discount.

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of people that meets in complete darkness in complete secrecy. I have no idea why the other members joined, when they joined,...

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem...

He asked me an important question, so I said nothing, but silently reached for a piece of paper and scribbled down the words: Peacocks love peach cobbler.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?

My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.

Sometimes I pretend I’m from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future’s like, huh?

I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks dig it. I mean they would, if they ever looked and caught me...

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.

If you take away my office, how will I get no work done?

I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.

Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected.

How am I? I would be good if I weren’t stuck at work. I work at a glue factory.

I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.

Like eggs, I’m scrambling to get ahead in this economic depression.

You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.

Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.

I go to networking events because what else am I going to do? I’ve already finished my daily planning for how to take over the world.

Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary.

May you fall on a fork and get eaten by a cannibal.

Of all the smiths from goldsmiths to John Smiths, the most powerful is the wordsmith, because he can influence your emotions and cognitions. And while you are standing there pondering what he said, he can...