The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

Love, it’ll make you feel better before it’ll make you feel worse. So it’s like inverse medicine.

I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

I am quite possibly the world’s bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.

There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the 90s. I was one of them, though mine was just a fender bender and I left before the cops showed up.

If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.

Flowers smell terrific, but how do they sound? If they sound like your love life, then you’ve got to take your Helen Keller Goggles off.

My dreams died nine months before I was born

Concierge at the Five-Star Hotel.” Concierge is just a fancy term that means something similar in Latin, I’m sure. My job will be to arrange activities for hotel guests for everything from opera tickets to...

One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their pulse to be certain.

Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free love. Wait, if it was free, why did I buy it? 1969 ripped...

The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories.

I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.

Some people create war and misery, some create wealth and money, and some create ideas and art. But we all create our own deaths, fashioned out of our lives. Nobody will remember how you died,...

Be prepared, but look unprepared. That way, your opponent thinks he doesn’t have to prepare to defeat you.

A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a...

I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

Nothing is certain but death and taxidermy.

When I look in the mirror, I see not only the person I am, but the person I could be. The person I could be is clean-shaven, and I like him better than me.

I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture.

What you see is what you get.” Of course, I say it silently, so people probably don’t hear me.

I’d rather be assassinated. It’s not like I’m doing anything this evening. Inevitably there’ll be a parade, so just remember your umbrella.

The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart. Her secret lover left her for a younger woman.

A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.

Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.

I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In this way, billions would die so that billions could live.

She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.

Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, “Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It’s just a gift from God I guess.

Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless it’s a sunken statue—in a river of lava.

If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your enemies wisely. My enemy is so great he won’t be born like a...

Is something art just because a museum hangs it on their wall? Are you networking just because you’re standing in a crowded room?

The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?

In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird,...

I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

Design is body language for inanimate objects.

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...