Love is like being featherless in mid flight and not even wondering if you taste like chicken. My love must taste like ostrich, because I’m always running from it.

My humble spirit takes shape as mashed potatoes on the side. I already ate the instructions.

I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury hotel on the beach. This would be perfect for me because when there...

I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect.

My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others.

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.

6 pm isn’t closer to noon than 6 am in reality, but mentally the difference is like night and day.

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve got to try. That’s what being in love is all about.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

I love three women—Agatha, Christy, and Agatha Christie.

I sing into burritos like they’re microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.

She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it get it back.

I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.

We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become...

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

Love is a two-man job. Well, at least homosexual love is.

You’ll know the economy is dead when industry stops and escalators turn into stairs. That’ll be the day slinkies take over the world.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy.

Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.

Death—I’m a nonmember for life.

As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people...

I make conversation like I make love to myself—I let my hands do all the talking.

The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was “Stop!” Thinking back, I don’t know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to...

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.

Just because I have two ears doesn’t mean I can listen to two people at once. Or one politician promising two opposable things.

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.

I put the anal in analysis. Now don’t you go putting your dick in my work.

The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped...

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I’d be lying. Actually, I’m only pretending that you aren’t on my mind. But I know that you don’t mind.

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.

It’s a landscape painting of Key West, from the perspective of an optimistic blind man.

Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished...

Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower.

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

Gain a person’s trust through numerous small acts of benevolence, so you can lose their trust in one large act of self-enrichment.

II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.

Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.