I had a religious experience at a crosswalk.

It’s raining cats and dogs. Good thing meows and barks bounce off my umbrella, and I just poured a large cup of love in the left cup of your bra when you weren’t looking.

I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.

It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.

Tonight I’m on Meow Patrol. Do you have a fur coat I can borrow?

60% of children are born to unwed mothers. I should start pulling out.

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.

Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back.

Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches...

When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older.

Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

To me, a good friend is one who doesn’t talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

I want my last 50 years on this earth to be amazing. Of course, I still want to have 150 years before those last 50 years begin.

Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.

I call him by his first name only. We’re that friendly. Plus, with a last name of McGee, why would I ever bother calling him by his full name of Dicksmear McGee?

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like...

Everything good I have written about can be summed up in two words: Ryan Lilly.” That’s a real quote I read in a real book. Trust me, I’m a writer.

I’m afraid of my shadow, and my shadow’s afraid of the light. That’s why Noon is my best friend, and I hang out with him at midnight.

A brick could be used in a knee replacement surgery, to build back the wall separating man from a sub four-minute mile. Damn you, Roger Bannister!

I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.

I am the Mountain Climber of Love. I should mention that I’m deathly afraid of heights.

I didn’t fire my gun. I gave it a promotion.

My attic is the size of a can of cat food, only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see, I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.

I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.

I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.

I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.

A brick is a polarizing object. Especially if you find it at either the North or the South Pole.

Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I’ll call you too, because...

Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.

Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.

There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.

In a battle of believability, the winner is the one with the best body language, not the clearest logic.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

Do you ever wonder if you’re the antichrist? I do. Not for myself of course, but I think you’re the devil.

There’s truth in what you say, even though it’s all lies.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.

Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.

I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option.

I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all the politicians except Barney Frank, who’d actually derive pleasure from the experiment.

At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have to put in. But somewhere along your prison sentence, you come to see...

I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.

If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together.

swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.

Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life,...