Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying,...

I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.

I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge.

I’m not an actor. I just play one on TV.

He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.

Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.

My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.

I wish art was like money in that the more I made, the more interest it developed and plentiful it became. Money makes money, and if art made art, there’s no prison in this country...

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

Rather than demolish an abandoned warehouse, why not just cover it with graffiti and call it art?

Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.

In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

I had a dream about you. Half the people wanted to kill me, and half the people wanted me as their President. It was up to you whether I lived or reigned, and you made...

We went out to a romantic dinner, and do you know how you can just tell when it’s the perfect moment to propose? Well, it wasn’t one of those moments—at least not with her. I...

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to...

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

I had a dream about you. You whispered in my ear, and I couldn’t quite hear what you said because Beethoven was being deaf too loud in the corner of the room. I thought you...

Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often speak to me when I’m trying to read.

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were a coin worth 7.5 cents, she’d be that. And I’d be the vending...

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

I want a job with a great deal of freedom, like riding on the back of a bald eagle.

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female...

Music has the power to shake society, especially if the bass is turned way up.

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of...

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve up the public as dinner to the wolves.