Laugh at yourself once in a while; give yourself a break.

And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!

Mummy can we keep him?” Madeleine asked with the wide eyes of a burgeoning crush.”Darling, little boys make terrible pets,” Mrs. Masterson offered with a wink.”That’s not true at all, Mummy. They’re hypoallergenic, much easier...

A word to the wise an’t nesisary its the stupid ones who need the edvise.

There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you’re determined to dislike for no good reason.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

I’ve had 24 girlfriends in my life, and all of them occurred in the same two-day evening.

I don’t want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

Gideon laughed. “I like to be direct.””Okay,” I said. “But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages.” “I doubt it.””Human interaction is not my strong point,” I told...

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

He said that it was very difficult to become an astronaut. I said that I knew. You had to become an officer in the air force and you had to take lots of orders and...

She’s mine. Kitten, and no one else’s.

Everyone lies. Or they have amnesia.

‎”If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams Week” Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month “leave” I wonder if he will be “Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

One of our professors described a lecture as ‘a mystical process by which the notes on the pad of the lecturer pass on to the pad of the student, without passing through the mind of...

This is the sixty-nine,” I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers — two of them — on the action, so that he would not overlook it. “Why is...

But how do we know it’s really you? I mean, I could put a saucepan on my head and call myself the God of Boiled Dumplings; wouldn’t mean I was telling the truth.

He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a...

It is a mistake,” Labruyère tells us, “to be in love without an ample fortune.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

Many great people had been considered to be boring, like Nigel Mansell, but anyone who had read the racing driver’s autobiography, “Clutch Down, Dick Out”, would know that perception was way off the mark.

I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words....

There is nothing more stimulating to the senses than that of a female body freshly emerged from a steaming hot shower, bathed in oils and feminine scents… well nothing except maybe a freshly opened package...

I shot him a look. “That bouncer was really big.”His lips quirked. “Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.””What?”The grin spread. “I would say size doesn’t matter but it does. I would...

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

We’re going to the Underworld,” Izzy said. She bounced a little as she said it, her eyes bright and her tone implying that “the Underworld” was akin to “Candy Land.

Care for a drink?

You have to have a sense of humor about it. At the same time, how do we improve our evaluation process so it doesn’t happen again?

It’s mind-blowing and delicious and betterthan finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds atthe end of a rainbow.

I would never have broken up with you,” I said earnestly. “I’m more miserable without you than I am with you.” As soon as that sentence came out I groaned, because I knew how bad...

Fo’. Shiz.

They really adore each other offstage and have a very similar sense of humor. These are qualities they bring onstage, and that makes for a very real relationship.

Si el universo fuese un vestido,,cuál te pondrías esta noche?

When just a kid, moved back to Canada and looking for a taste of England, I’d picked up a book of my Gram’s, a dog-eared romance from the ’sixties about English hospital ‘sisters’ trying to...

A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.

Everybody says I am NOBODY,and you know NOBODY is Perfect.

Jenna can’t hear us, she’s blind

Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

Why don’t we let Peeta claim it, since he died today?

Oh, that’s just Thud! That’s easy!” yapped a voice.Both men turned to look at Horsefry, who had been made perky by sheer relief.”I used to play it when I was a kid,” he burbled. It’s...

The only principle of Success in Life :”You must be present to win.

Was it fate? Was it destiny?””I think it was Alan Blunt.

The American dream is actually Cuban.

I don’t know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

The surgeon tells me that you’re a sorcerer,” Pym said. “Is that so?”Jaki looked to the captain with the glare of the masts in his eyes. “Yes.”Pym weighed this disclosure. “You speak with the dead?””Yes.”The...

Can I have my ear back?” He asked irritably.She blinked.”Mother, can you tell this creature here to loosen her hold?

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards…Honestly, Kell, I’d nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.”Foolhardy?” Kelsier asked with a laugh. “that wasn’t foolhardy – that was just a small diversion....

I have always been impressed by the fact that there are a surprising number of individuals who never use their minds if they can avoid it, and an equal number who do use their minds,...

I’m a devil at a quick mistake, and when I make one it takes the form of Lead.