The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or...

Why, you boggle-eyed, flap-tongued, drag-bellied offspring of unmentionable algae! You seething little leprous blotch of bat-nibbled fungus! You cringing parasite on the underside of a dwarfish and ignoble worm!

Seduction is the art of saying what you don’t do in order to do what you don’t say

How charming.”I flipped him off.

The war in Iraq is one of those issues, and Hurricane Katrina is another. Where do you find the humor? We go to the people handling it, such as Bush and Michael Brown, who headed...

You know I hate to chase. I’m only here to talk, but if you run, I’ll have to chase and we both know where that usually ends up.

Remember every vote count’s and every two are worth a nickel

Lunar Eclipse doesn’t that sound like a car you can only drive at night?

I can’t get her pregnant! I’m just thirteen. You have to be a man to get a girl pregnant.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

If the Good Lord meant men to use percussion caps, he wouldn’t have strung flint all over the ground.

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit

You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found...

To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don’t worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They’ll never get to be swans

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother.” ArtemisSet and Bathymaas laughed.Apollo, not so much.

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up.

You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you’ve got to go and who is...

My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon on the side.

Basker possesses three kinds of bite: a snap, a nip, and then something like a buzz saw and an angle grinder mounted on a bear trap.

Where’s the pleasure in bein’ the winner if the loser ain’t alive to know they’ve lost?

Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

Life is same for everyone. The difference is only that some are living by heart and some for only sake of living

Long hair minimizes the need for barbers; socks can be done without; one leather jacket solves the coat problem for many years; suspenders are superfluous.

On a cooler sun on a primordial earth: “I later learned that biologists, when they are feeling jocose, refer to this as the ‘Chinese Resaturant Problem’–because we has a dim sun.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Both of you be safe,” Nessa said, looking to Turner. “Welcome to my messed up home, by the way.””Messed up?” Turner asked. “They seem like a loving bunch, all willing to kill each other off....

You might want to lie down,” Magnus advised. “I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.

Humor is everywhere, in that there’s irony in just about anything a human does.

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he’d been in Quentin–one of the few he...

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn…

Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites,...

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn’t believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy....

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has...

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.

At least it’s working out because Cheddar is sort of obsessed with me, or at least very interested, which in the world of felines counts as obsessive behavior.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

You’ve got better boobs,” I acknowledged. And just as we’d done each time we’d had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at our chests. Ogled. Compared.

A life is similar to a book. Some chapters are boring,a few emotional, a handful memorable,others saddening,one or two thoughtful and many full of smiles.

For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least ofall fire! Well, the fireman in question, who had gone to make a roundof inspection in the cellars and who, it seems, had...

As long as you’re not ‘gross full,'” Raj said. “That’s when you’re so full that it’s hard to breathe because your stomach is pushing up into your lung region.

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don’t Carpathians have condoms? Because I’m thinking that if you’re all that worried, a condom might be just the thing.” His smile was slow in coming. “I had...

On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt...

‎I have panicked unnecessarily in all four corners of the globe.

Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…

Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women’s panties spontaneously evaporate.