You can’t do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.

I’m unreliable, admittedly, so you can’t believe me when I say I’m unreliable. I’m also in love, so that may contribute to my unreliability.

Take the road less traveled…there’s less traffic!!!

I’m proud to be a Mick, even though I’m not Irish My middle name is Mickey, though. Actually, I’m lying.

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to my rooster costume.

The only thing he was sorry for was slamming the door and perhaps raising his voice to the woman who’d been like a mother to him since the passing of his parents. Perhaps she hadn’t...

Most of the people I worked with in my old job were pretty cool. We used to go out drinking after lights out and the less pleasant members of staff would be the topic of...

Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck.

Honestly, the only question most Americans ask about a new building at this point is basically: Is it a soul-sucking eyesore of cheap-ass despair? It’s not? Whew.

If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being said. And what are you saying? I can’t hear you when my back...

There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the...

I think I know why you never married, Sarah.””Well, and I reckoned if I wanted something that’d come and go as he pleased, take me for granted, and ignore me when he chose, I’d get...

If you want to become a chemist, you will have to ruin your health. If you don’t ruin your health studying, you won’t accomplish anything these days in chemistry.{Liebig’s advice to August Kekulé.}

The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to branch out and start networking more. Unless you are a pile of cat...

your wet-T-shirt librarian with the punk rock hair is helping me out just fine.

Life is getting weirder by the minute. Would you like to buy 60 seconds? No? How about buy one 30 seconds, get one half-minute half off?

Welcome to Dinnerville, where it’s always breakfast. When love is in the air, you can tell it’s about to rain.

At the end of human; life losses is equal to life gain life earned is equal to life learned and life pain is equal to life lecture. Everything is just one; You!

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

I walk slowly when I’m being introspective and nostalgic. Some might call it moping. But I don’t. I call it love.

I love trash. I have never believed that kitsch kills. I tell you this, so you will understand that my antipathy toward ‘Love Story’ is not because I am immune to either sentimentality or garbage,...

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem.” This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.

I have a mansion of an imagination, and I cordially invite you to come sleep in my shed.

I met a woman who told me she wasn’t attracted to Asians. No worries, I said. I’m not attracted to racists.

Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink and a kiss combined. It’s like lust overload.

My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part of some combo meal somewhere.

Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.

High School. Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.

He was in love with Eve and ran around like some kind of inter dimensional Dr. Who with a sonic screw loose.

Love and magic have a great deal in common. they enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought I could cure both at once, so I tricked you into getting naked...

But these dresses? I don’t know what to do. They’re the wrong color, and they’re hideous!” She went into a hysterical fit of tears.

Probably in a parallel universe not far from here, I’m working for Nintendo.

Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.

These cities grew in approximately the same places as our cities do now, however different the shape of the continents was. There was even a New York that in some way resembled the New York...

The face of a truly happy man seldom lacks smiles.

The hard core of morality and even of religion seems to me to be just what makes good comedy possible…Where there is no norm, nothing can be ridiculous, except for a brief moment of unbalanced...

Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.

Is your dog in a coma?” Quinn asked when the dog didn’t move a muscle.”No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest.

It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

You’re the queen, and it’s the queen’s house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he’s highly unlikely ever to be queen.

The Postmodernists’ tyranny wears people down by boredom and semi-literate prose.