In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

Dorothy Parker said “Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

So I’m over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots… and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me… ‘Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it’s...

The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

The Lush hadn’t driven in almost a decade – ever since she got in an accident that shook her so badly she refused to get behind the wheel. As you can imagine, someone nicknamed The...

This is the best bad plan we have, sir.

Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that...

Anybody I can hold a candle to, I drip hot wax on.

I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.””Well,” said Luke, “you’re...

I’ll make your heart melt like a puddle of love. Then I’ll swim across it—nude. Pricing for birthday parties does include the midgets.

Abby wouldn’t want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle...

I arose like a rose, and this is how I knew I was in love. In the garden of life, I’m better off in your neighbor’s yard.

Unintended jealousy is merciless.

May your assets be twice as loyal to you as you are to them.

I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.””It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

Because . . . most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don’t have any of that. There’s nothing between you and...

Freud expressed the opinion—not quite in earnest, though, it seemed to me—that philosophy was the most decent form of sublimation of repressed sexuality, nothing more. In response I put the question, ‘What then is science,...

She burst in the door, I burst into song, and he burst into flames. Our love triangle turned into dinner for two featuring roasted marshmallows.

The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean – so Bunbury died.He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that...

Lawful good to lawful evil!” said Simon, pleased.”He’s quoting Dungeons and Dragons,” said Clary. “Ignore him.

I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma smelled better.

God, come down, if you’re really there -Well, you’re the one who claims to care!

The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.

Ohyeah. If Gus calls, just tell him I was balls-deep in your ass and that I’mon my way now.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

So–what’s it like, being a vampire?””Aline!” Isabelle looked appalled. “You can’t just go around asking people what’s it like to be a vampire!””I don’t see why,” Aline said. “He hasn’t been a vampire that long,...

No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)

You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” I denied it, of course. But then, anything – smashing up a new car, persuading Donald Rumsfeld to come to an Islington flat in the early hours of New...

I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.

Has she glanced you way yet?”Twice,” Nick said on a note of satisfaction.Meaning?”Nick glanced at him. “She’s not completely disinterested.”I see Moreland. That makes it an even half dozen hanging out for a rich wife....

A double standard is a scandal. A single standard is an atrocity.

I can see why you like it here,” he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle’s collection of movie posters and science fiction books. “There’s a thin layer of nerd all over everything.” said Jace.”Thanks....

I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I went to the room in my brain where all my thoughts about Adam lived and disconnected the electricity and boarded up all the doors and windows,...

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the birth of a new me.

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

Our fathers were demons,’ Catarina said. ‘Our mothers were heroes.

I’ll give you the mother-in-law discount—200% of the 50% off sales price.

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?

Hell was grey. Dim and lifeless… I felt numb and in pain at the same time and that was not supposed to happen in heaven. But you would think that with all the queers they...

Secret 89.487. Transparent is the new black.

Anyone that looked like that wouldn’t need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

I am 1/7 billionth of humanity, and I am hungry for truth. I’m also hungry for love, knowledge, and pasta.

I call the Change of Life “Orchids” because menopause is such an ugly word. It’s got men in it for goddsakes.

Power lines are great places to hang my clothes—especially since my closet is full of birds. I make love like I have wings and know how to fly.

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.