‘Didn’t realize Matty was so scary,’ Chris said. ‘She’s maybe five two and can’t make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison...

I had a dream about you. I invented and sold shoes that left no footprints, and you were thinking about committing a murder in a muddy area. I said that committing a murder was a...

Mia,’ she whispered. I turned around. ‘What?’ I whispered back.She smiled at me a little. ‘LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!’ she shouted, then spun around and ran toward the Z’s in the lighting section.

I never meant it,” he was saying. “Never meant it to happen. Can’t stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something… What do I do? What can I do…?

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

Do you think he’s the murderer?””It’s worse than that — he’s an actor!

I had a dream about you. I ran a marathon like a mannequin stands still, and you stood still like Roger Bannister runs errands.

Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.

Don’t read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.

A giant! A giant in the forest! And we’re supposed to give him English lessons! Always assuming, of course, we can get past the herd of murderous centaurs on the way in and out! I...

People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L’Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

Pain, Rhuan decided, did not simply hurt. Pain also exhausted a person, sapped his soul, thinned his spirit. Worse, pain was tedious.

It has been found that reading love quotes is beneficial to your health. It has been found by me, and I found it under my bed.

It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their...

She held up the pen and gave him a lazy grin. “It’s a rose.”He came close. “It’s a pen.” He tried to pluck it from her hand.”You are seriously lacking in imagination.

I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I’m proving her wrong. I’m going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the...

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that’s right…you aren’t the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean

A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it it’s nighttime.

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

Going to work every day was like my hair was on fire and all I had to put it out was a hammer.

Just because he’s a spider doesn’t mean he deserves any less concern!

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

This coming from the god who zinged Guinevere and Lancelot while King Arthur was away slaying dragons.

Make project plan as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I...

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

He opened the first letter, No “Dear Mr. Woods.” It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped...

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

So why did you want to kiss me?””We’re friends aren’t we?” Callum shrugged.I relaxed into a smile. “Of course we are.””And if you can’t kiss your friends who can you kiss?” Callum smiled.

…Don’t be surprised, and I say it darkly, do not be surprised if you lose your Luke in this cause; perhaps Mrs. Dudley has not yet had her own mid morning snack, and she is...

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

You hunt and catch your own food. Am I correct?””We are fierce predators of the night,” DeChevue said proudly.Edwin tried again, “You hunt and gather your own food?”DeChevue still didn’t get it. “Yes, M’sieur. We...

I had a dream about a poem once… that’s all, I can’t tell you about it because I had to sign an NDA.

I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.

This supreme instance of Troy’s goodness fell upon Gabriel’s ears like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock.

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North...

Math Superstar” program. After each assignment, stars of various colors signifying degrees of excellence were stuck on all the papers handed in. Like the Olympics, gold was the highest honor. Wendy, the girl who sat...

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

It’s true that journalism in reality is not the journalism that we learnt in the university. It is far from it.

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.