At some point, our lips met and it was perhaps the most wonderful thing I’d ever experienced. And truly, I guess there wasn’t just one kiss, but several. A polite frenzy. A mass migration of...

The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: ‘No room! No room!’ they cried out when they saw Alice coming. ‘There’s plenty of room!’ said...

I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to try to excite me. In all the excitement I forgot where I was,...

There also wasn’t one single bit of grass or dirt outside the airport. Even the median strip was a concrete sidewalk. Where did Atlanta’s pet travelers pee? Maybe city dogs just learned to use the...

I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can.

I don’t have enough gross words in my gross vocabulary to describe how gross that gross thought is. Gross.

It may be prodigious, but it’s all Greek to me!

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.

75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.

I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether romance, mystery, or horror, nobody suspects the flowers.

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

We watched Vamps hunting Vamps, Vamp hunters and Witches torching Vamps, teenage girls kissing Vamps. And we giggled and swooned through it all.

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An...

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs.

I was half asleep when I first saw her. She thought I was being flirty and winking at her. One eye open, one eye shut, that’s the best way to see love.

He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do most politicians.

She inched closer to him. “I intrigue you?””You know you do,” he replied boldly, his eyes burning into hers. Wow-things were suddenly heating up fast. He wondered if they would have sex right there on...

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.

It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for...

Hate.

Dad” I pleaded, “this is so [cuss word you never, ever say in front of your mother] ridiculous.

Do you wanna play? Everyone’s dead, so I got bored. Did you come to play with me?–Wrath

I long to belong like a midget longs to be long. Footlong hotdogs are 12 inches too short to take seriously, and I vote with my wallet. Sadly, there are no refunds in politics.

You’re so lucky to see me twice in one day. You’re honored by my presence, yada, yada, heard it all before. Let’s just move on, shall we. I don’t handle fawning very well.

Let’s quit our jobs and fuck all day.

People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, “So, you’re back from Moscow, eh?

You said th’ Magic was in my back. Th’ doctor calls it rheumatics.

I’m on a shoestring budget, which means I don’t have any extra money to buy the surrounding shoes to even lace up.

A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

McKenzie was Caroline’s primary wingman. They had matching Coach bags to prove it.

I said hello to the poodle.

I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me. I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed...

scientifically.

She has so much junk in her trunk. Boy, I wish she’d just drop it all off at Goodwill.

No, no. Of course not. But you’re immortal. Powerful.

I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.

Five syllables,” Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. “That would be real bad.

What’s the big idea?” Sabrina demanded. “I declared war on you, remember?” Puck said. Sabrina rolled her eyes. “Is this another one of your stupid pranks?” Puck sniffed. “You have contaminated me with your puberty...

Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn’t remotely fat—just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose,...

How did my semen get on his anus? Simple—the lipstick. But that’s politics, no?

You two go ahead and make out–I’ll just sit here and bleed quietly.

racial

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: “The groin. The...

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get...

Really, dude? A sharp one?

I had a fistful of huhs, and a Ziploc bag full of questions—and a sandwich. But I didn’t bring them, because my lunchbox was full of love.

What really holds their marriage together are mutual respect of an awesome depth, a shared sense of humor, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves, and a love so unwavering...