If you’re alive, kick into drive. Chase whimsies. See if you can turn dreams into a way to make a living, if not an entire way of life.

To be the best, you have to do what nobody does. And nobody does nothing great anymore, which is why I’ll be great by doing nothing great.

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them...

a lover of love.

Because there’s no way on earth she’s going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor.

We were divided by color. Not black and white, but colour/color. She was British, and I was honoured to engage her in a spelling debate.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Women rule the world; we just let our men think they do.

As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

Well, at least I am an orange”.

If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

You are an interesting man, David Charleston, but you sound like you were an even more interesting child.

If you’re going to sit on someone’s tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

I loved her bravely, like a fighter turned sprinter. I loved her so fiercely that I never even dared speak of my feelings. And because I displayed as much passion as a statue, our relationship...

Be With Me In The Phases Of My Work Because My Brain Feels Like It Has Been Whipped And I Yearn To Make A Small Perfect Thing Which Will Live In Your Morning Like Curious...

PDF—is it a document type, or Public Display of ‘Fection? I’ll let you know after I print it out and cuddle with it.

I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.

Is good story.

That woman doesn’t have the sense God gave a retarded flea.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

An as-yet-unpublished poet in Boulder, Colorado, once said to me that anything worth doing was worth doing badly. I may seem, in the foregoing sketchy pages, to have followed her advice rather too well.

I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

You can’t make footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?

Even for the most excitable preacher, there was nothing inherently sinful about a waffle.

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it’s not the work they’re supposed to be doing.

Toothpaste Tuesday—bring in your favorite toothpaste-covered t-shirt and win free condoms. Remember to smile, because life goes on.

The dead are way more organized than the living.

Niches set back in the walls contained polished marble statues of entwined bodies. Will looked away from them hastily, and then back. It wasn’t as if Magnus seemed to be paying attention to what Will...

Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.

A story once went the rounds of Israel to the effect that Ben-Gurion described me as ‘the only man’ in his cabinet. What amused me about is that he (or whoever invented the story) thought...

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and...

We made love like two Inuits make love like two popsicles, and then we went back to our cold lives. That was the best summer of my night.

My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.

I don’t know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in computer science is measured in nano-Dijkstras.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

people don’t generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

Two guys, a goat, and a ghost: A love story based on true events that may or may not be false. Who doesn’t love a good goat story?

But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some coffee concoction that tasted like the charred remains of Hitler’s soul, and I...

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

I always start peeing when I’m only halfway to the litter box. This eagerness to finish is what probably makes me such a great lover.

One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.