Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and...

I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past.

When life’s got you down, keep your head up… you can’t see the ground anyway

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

In the long run, a treadmill’s a great investment.

I felt like one of Apollo’s sacred cows- slow, dumb, and bright red.

Right on cue, I figured out the letter that comes after P.

Persistent smile brings out hollow dimples, and persistent frowns brings out hollow wrinkles.

I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.

I’m a fun hater myself.

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.

The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.

I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am...

Who was the moron on the phone?””Carl Avery,” Kate said. “A long-standing client and potential felon.

I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.

Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either...

Hermes smiled. “I knew a boy once … oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really.”Here we go again, George said. Always talking about himself.Quiet! Martha snapped. Do you want to get set...

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

Run mad as often as you chuse, but do not faint.

Humor is tragedy plus time.

As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.

Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.

If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.

Love is like a plant. We give it attention, it grows. We ignore it, it dies.

A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also, geriatrics make better lovers.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

Last month she’d read that a man’s connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female’s went perpendicular—which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn’t. And doesn’t that totally prove that God...

Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for...

But if you don’t remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes…!

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

(Golden Globe acceptance speech in the style of Jane Austen’s letters):”Four A.M. Having just returned from an evening at the Golden Spheres, which despite the inconveniences of heat, noise and overcrowding, was not without its...

Environmentalists generally object to battery-powered devices and for good reason: batteries require mined minerals, employ manufacturing processes that leak toxins into local ecosystems and leave behind an even-worse trail of side effects upon disposal. Though...

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.

Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren’t enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the...

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

Now Darkstripe,’ Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, ‘is neither young, nor pretty.

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

A twirling flower turns each petal into a fan blade. Who knew a symbol of love could be so breezy?

While Maddox now believed the demon did not want to hurt Ashlyn, he wasn’t willing to take a chance. He would talk about flowers and moonbeams – he cringed – if it meant maintaining this...

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

McGough: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’ve caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don’t worry, sir – I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time …

Ah, so that’s what silence looks like, huh?”

While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top,spreading his laugh across the water. Laughing at the girl,at the guys, at George,at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at...

It was generally agreed that a coffin-size studio on Avenue D was preferable to living in one of the boroughs. Moving from one Brooklyn or Staten Island neighborhood to another was fine, but unless you...

The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s...