I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.

I write love quotes for all ages—Teenagers, Young Adults, and even the Middle Ages—like between the years of 1200-1700. Erasmus loves my work. Well, probably he does, but as he’s dead you really can’t prove...

No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.

Vanity might be a “sin” according to some lights, but he thought in measured doses it was one of life’s allowable simple pleasures. It helped everyone get through their days.

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

Bad news, Harry. I’ve just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I’d got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more...

My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.

There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask.

Hi! I’m Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

[the sheep] sidled up beside him and bumped him lovingly with its head. Val looked at it sadly. “I am sorry, you ugly creature,” he said. “I have not used my magic in a long...

A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

You’re doing it again and it really annoys me. In fact, I will have to kill you now because I have a lot of untamed energy because of the Sex God. I’m going to have...

No, thanks,” said Harry. “The toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?

That creature’s staying?’ It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov)

I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life.

In the nineteenth century, The Romantics viewed Nature as benign, a glowing reflection of God’s grace. Now we know better. Nature is brutal and, if it is feminine, she’s not the kind of woman you...

I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

This is why we can’t have nice things…

The emotion was the most important thing.

Rather a thousand times the county jail than to lie under this marble figure with wings and this granite pedestal bearing the words “pro patria.” What do they mean anyway?

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

To say that I grew up without parents is a lie, because I haven’t grown up yet. Also, all six of my potential parental candidates are still alive.

That’s brain tissue. How can you-?” Claire shut her mouth, fast. “Never mind. I don’t think I wanna know.””Truly, I think that’s best. Please take it.” He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling...

Is this Jarod? This is Jarod. I’m you—from the future. I’m exactly like you—only better! By the way, congrats on your upcoming wedding! Spoiler alert: divorce

PricklyWhen I’m feelingporcupine-y,I get nasty,I get whiny.Stay away orI might stick you.My sharp words arequills to prick you.

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up...

If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours.

One of Renee’s friends asked her, “Does your boyfriend wear glasses?” She said, “No, he wears a Walkman.

Ghosts are invisible. So are people who are perfectly average. Be great or be greatless.

Now,” said Brandons low, cold voice. “Lets not be rude eve.

I had a dream about you. Of all the flowers I’ve ever loved, you were the one who looked most like a woman. The others didn’t look like men, unless you count my Uncle Butch,...

There’d been some nights when my fat ass had saved my ass (ba-dum-tsh).

I’m the crazy girly captain, Remember?

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

If you were in paris your food might as well glitter.

People tell me I have a winning smile, but it’s just not true. My grin took silver at last year’s Facial Expression Olympics.

I don’t know what it is about “magic happens”-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it “so does cot death”.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.

Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars...

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He’s heading back to the hideout now. And I’ve been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of...

This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing

Humor is reason gone mad.

As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand.”This makes me feel like a five-year-old,” I said, licking it off.”If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they’d cut the crusts...

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

Ignoring plus ignorance equals ignoringance—knowing a problem exists, but doing nothing to fix it.

When we’re telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.