When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

Non mi piacciono i matrimoni combinati. Ci sono sbagli dei quali non bisognerebbe mai poter incolpare i propri poveri genitori.

I don’t think you should be an Auror, Harry,” said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. “The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They’re working to bring down the...

Yesterday I shat rainbows until my anus started bleeding from a unicorn’s horn. Ah, the joys of being in love.

In some stories, it’s easy. The moral of “The Three Bears,” for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.” The moral of “Snow White” is “Never eat apples.” The moral of World War One...

Some people remember the sixties better than others do. Some weren’t even there, some who were there were not really there, and some who were not really there were “really there”.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.

Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.

I knitted a sweater to look like a swimming bird, and pretty soon the whole world looked like it tasted like duck soup. My love is coffee-shaped and without chug.

When I pass the bar, you’ll be barred from bars but put behind them.

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily...

I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you? Answer this question: If Paul Krugman and Ben Bernanke were about to die,...

I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.

If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

Don’t be stupid, it’s a flying house!

Like I tell our kids, ‘Your Mom isn’t always right and I’m not always right. But together, WE’RE ALWAYS right!

You don’t find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me…what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

If I can’t be remembered as one of the greatest authors, why not be remembered as the sexiest writer…

One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.

If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in “Death of the Mad Hatter” (Coming Soon!)

While this might seem a bit abstract, these numbers are not arbitrary. They are symbols, which represent pieces of paper, which represent pieces of gold. Gold doesn’t represent anything; its value is inherent in its...

I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.

Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police – preferably in writing.

they were looking for housekeepers and cooks, and I was dying to get out of Australia and see the rest of the world. It’s a Sagittarius thing, you know. We just move on and on,...

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you.

If I could get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?

We ate soup in the pouring rain. I said I liked it, even though it was a bit too watery for my taste. Then we made love like two rainbows sizzling in a pan like...

Before I could turn to look up, a voice boomed from the heavens: “What the heck is going on down there?

… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, “Better you than me,” I always reply, “Yes, I am better than you.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn’t hurt when they snatch it, it isn’t worth dangling.

They don’t hardly make ’em like him any more – but just to be on thesafe side, he should be castrated anyway.

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

It was one of those perfect New York October afternoons, when the explosion of oranges and yellows against the bright blue sky makes you feel like your life is passing through your fingers, that you’ve...

I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

Animals are my friends…and I don’t eat my friends.

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

Were you terrified, Murgatroyd?” Murgatroyd nodded eagerly. “There you go, girl: You’re a terrorist. You make me twitchy, and under Article Forty-One of the 2000 Terrorism Bill, that’s all I need. Time for some reasonable...