Touch her, and I’ll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

Gintoki: Listen up! Let’s say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, but it’s cold outside your bed. You don’t want to get up,...

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.

The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite...

I had a dream about you. I was at your family reunion, and your grandma was chugging the hunch punch with all the confidence of a mature woman in diapers. I was on Wheelchair Patrol,...

A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.

I can’t believe you just did that! Are you crazy?”I gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Why do people keep asking me that?”He turned to stare at me, his eyes worried. “Who else keeps asking you...

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn’t breakfasted. It’s only after...

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which are forgotten the next day. A pal never forgives, he just forgets, and a woman...

Everything is offensive, to somebody. I mean, you could say Congress and I’d be in a rage.

My fur is silky, damn it.

There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.

Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

… a metaphor … is like lying but more decorative.

I had a dream about you. You acted like a stranger, and tried to introduce yourself to me while standing next to me at my neighboring urinal in the men’s room. You tried to shake...

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager,...

Heaven has no taste. Now—and not one single sushi restaurant. A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.

I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!” he screamed.CHICKEN!” the crowd responded.Rice!”PEAS!”And then, all together: “WE GOT HIGHER SATs.”Hip Hip Hip Hooray!” the Colonel cried.YOU’LL BE WORKIN’ FOR US SOMEDAY!

Creo que no me equivoco al pensar, querido mío, que naciste justo a mitad del invierno, ,no es así?-No-contestó Harry-.Nací en julio.

I’ve never, ever, ever — in my entire life — fought over a man. I’ve fought women who’ve hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend...

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

Yes, she’d made a mistake… but she wasn’t going to be bullied. You couldn’t let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people’s watercolors.

I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the...

I can’t forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen,” I said. “I’m a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become...

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

Not that I haven’t leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It’s sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I’m not sure about the turnip.

He had short hair. The technical term is bald. I’m sure he would have made a better lover if he were wearing a Donald Trump wig.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.

‘Luck is my middle name,’ said Rincewind, indistinctly. ‘Mind you, my first name is Bad.’

She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away?

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises….

Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was...

Who knows how to make love stay?1. Tell love you are going to Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if loves stays, it can have half. It will...

Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

Lone women shouldn’t stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces.

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience...