Hey, our hair’s the same color,” I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.”Sure is, girlfriend.” Eric grinned at me.

As Hazel marched down the hill, she cursed in Latin. Percy didn’t understand all of it, but he got son of a gorgon, power-hungry snake, and a few choice suggestions about where Octavian could stick...

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don’t get it: If you’re not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

Meaning, yes — I don’t really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it’s weird a fictional character’s telling this story, you ain’t seen what happened,...

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

I feel like I might start crying and that I’m going to cry pee.

Guttenberg didn’t write the Bible—he just printed it. Gideon didn’t write the Bible—he just placed it into every nightstand in every hotel. And Orafoura doesn’t appear in the Bible—though he may have disappeared into it.

Abraham,” he said. “I’m pleased to see you alive, old friend.””And I to see you dead.

My mind didn’t clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to...

James – “Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?”Elizabeth – “Oh, I’m definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Blood is like water, to a vampire. And coffee is like blood, to a tired mosquito. And my love is like an itch—and a scratch.

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

It’s almost never the kind of person you are but the kind of job you do decides how much you get paid.

I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

Thank God for modern medicine. It was not until 1905 that ergophobia (the morbid fear of returning to work) was first identified and reported in the British Medical Journal. As yet there is no known...

I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.

Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” said Jace. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.””Forever?” said Simon. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I knew it,” he said. “You want to kiss me,...

I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

She smiled again. “Do you like cat?” she said.”Yes,” said Richard. “I quite like cats.”Anaesthesia looked relieved. “Thigh?” she asked, “or breast?

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And,...

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don’t have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.

Basia coquum,” Simon said. “Or whatever their motto is.””It’s ‘Descensus Averno facilis est.’ ‘The descent into hell is easy,” said Alec. “You just said “Kiss the cook.””Dammit,” said Simon. “I knew Jace was screwing with...

The big difference between my mom and me– besides the fact that she is dead normal and I’m a magic-handling freak– is that she’s the real thing. She may have a slight problem seeing other...

I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was...

They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I’m going to use the name of a famous American poet:’You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna St. Vincent Millay! Go Emily Dickinson your mom!”Thanks...

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.

I’m the warlock who’s here to cure you. Didn’t they tell you I was coming?””I know who you are, but…” Maia looked dazed. “You look so…so…shiny.

You’re such an optimist Kane — that’s your problem. You only end up disappointed.

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn’t have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn’t real, right?...

I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my love is like extra gravy all the time.

Tessa: I won’t know if I like it until I try it, will I?”Will: “I’ve never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn’t like it.””But think how entertaining for sightseers,” said Tessa,...

I leveled the gun and fired until it was empty.

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?””What’s the point of that, Miss?” the waiter said.”Tomorrow morning,” Mabel said.

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.