See?” she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. “She doesn’t stomp around like a cattle stampede!””Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. ‘Hyaa!’ I yell. ‘Hyaa. Hyaa!’ It’s the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry...

‘We’re not… we haven’t been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.’ ‘Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn’t mean you can’t tell each other how you feel,...

I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.

My dreams are shaped like a cat, only furrier. And my love resembles a dolphin, only fishier.

She has great breasts,” the Colonel said without looking up from the whale.”DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN’S BODIES!” Alaska shouted.Now he looked up. “Sorry. Perky breasts.””That’s not any better!

They came out in a dim, damp basement – a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. ‘You take me to the nicest places,’ Claire said, and sneezed.

Eat Bubblegum” dance, I can’t actually perform it because my belly doesn’t bulge out far enough. When I make love it sounds like I’m chewing on a chalkboard.

I wanted to make her a greeting card, but as far as I got was folding the paper in half. I left it blank inside, so she’d know how much I love her. I never...

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don’t have, or doodie, which your face looks like,” she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.

I’m not obliged to defend your dignity. Provided you have any.

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

Trillian did a little research in the ship’s copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It had some advice to offer on drunkenness. “Go to it,” it said, “and good luck.

Simplicity may be simple, but like complexity it requires linguistic precision, and may therefore call for relatively obscure expressions at times.

The men had scattered in all directions, which men are inclined to do when women leave them to their own devices for any length of time. I believe they are easily bored.

Egg has the truth of it. Aerion’s quite the monster. He thinks he’s a dragon in human form, you know. That’s why he was so wroth at that puppet show. A pity he wasn’t born...

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are a subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who has suffered from insomnia.

Best to flee now, before the pitchforks and torches and scientists come calling.

Hello, my name is Jaako and I am an addict. I am addicted to reading.

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

sobbing like a girl,” I guess so.

Heresy is another word for freedom of thought.

Ah ha!” the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. “The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

I had a very funny and depressing talk with my seventy-four-year-old mother. I decided, she doesn’t have a bucket list – she has a kick-the-bucket list.

The point I was trying to make before you interrupted with your inventoryof my personality is that neither of us is going to be able to stay celibate for the next six months.”She dropped her...

Love isn’t two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.

Women always want to look younger, and I always want to look older, so I could look like Pliny the Younger. As a lover, that would give me the best of both worlds.

When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine

If you don’t beleve in yourself, who will?’ ~Maybeck

It’s her favorite movie. She’s one-year-old. It’s also her grandma’s favorite movie. Her grandma is three-years-old.

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

She didn’t know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she’d ever tasted.

Six months ago when she first came up with the idea to kill Wilson, back when she was living in Memphis, she’d started going to church again. Since she was spending so much time thinking...

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children,...

What I have been asking myself for years is: WHY?!Why kill yourself in the gym? Why try to avoid a little bit of a gut? Why feel bad for eating half of a cake? This...

I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless...

I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?

…indeed, with the Radletts, you never could tell. Why, for instance, would Victoria bellow like a bull and half kill Jassy whenever Jassy said, in a certain tone of voice, pointing her finger with a...

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

When Headmaster Conrady pointed out the white clapboard chapel, I wondered whether there might be at least one structure with a softer name, like Church of the Good Shepherd or Chapel of the Non-Weapon-Bearing Angels....

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

That’s quite the specific search…’Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches’—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

Cats don’t need to be possessed; they’re evil on their own.