Ever since Sincere died, I’ve been meaning to have meaning. Her love was the one thing that made me want to do other things, and without it I’m thingless.

I didn’t say one word to her the whole night. No, I said three words: I love you. She only said one word: Goodbye.

Do you see those dull stars?” She outlined the formation with her finger.”A pentagram,” whispered Scott.”Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope.”Scott approached the eyepiece.”They’re not stars!” “What do they...

After I’m famous, I want my statue to be made out of beige Jell-O, and I want to be portrayed naked, so my genitals jiggle in the wind.

You’re only young once. That is all society can stand.

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn’t let the dog in the recovery room.

But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were...

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy...

She’d absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn’t own and feel no remorse about it.

No. I’m really fast asleep,” came his voice from under the cowl.

Thin people, God bless them, God curse them, don’t get it: If you’re not thin, you need to be careful and conscious about when and how you suitors initially see you.

I have a thing for evil bald bad guys. The Kurgan is too sexy.

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It’s a good thing you’re so voluptuous.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and...

You’re in a rather odd mood today.”I’m soaking wet, Eloise.”No need to snap at me about it, I didn’t force you to walk across town in the rain.”It wasn’t raining when I left,”. There was...

My mind didn’t clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to...

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

(There was an idea much beloved and written about by this country’s philosophers that magic had to do with negotiating the balance between earth and air and water; which is to say that things with...

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is...

Traveling through the Dragon’s Den, it has just been explained that Haroun, the Ifrit, has been caught in a mirror trap. Here is the passage that follows:”So,” said Silas. “Now there are only three of...

I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.

Fries Before Guys

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it’s safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

modem” can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.

Someone ought to be rude to him. He’s rude enough to everyone else.

Thanks so much,” Daisy said as graciously as she could to the gift of edible underwear from her fiancé’s grandmother. She was pretty sure this wasn’t covered in any of the bridal etiquette guides.

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

Then use a harpoon.

Do everything that makes you happy”? Even if it means hurting somebody else?

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is...

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he’s the hottest new ride at Disneyland.

I had a dream about you. I thought together we could change the world, but you said you’d rather change the TV channel. But you were all talk, because you never even did that. So...

Nice dress. Take it off.

See?” she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. “She doesn’t stomp around like a cattle stampede!””Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

‘We’re not… we haven’t been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.’ ‘Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn’t mean you can’t tell each other how you feel,...

My dreams are shaped like a cat, only furrier. And my love resembles a dolphin, only fishier.

She has great breasts,” the Colonel said without looking up from the whale.”DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN’S BODIES!” Alaska shouted.Now he looked up. “Sorry. Perky breasts.””That’s not any better!

They came out in a dim, damp basement – a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. ‘You take me to the nicest places,’ Claire said, and sneezed.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

Eat Bubblegum” dance, I can’t actually perform it because my belly doesn’t bulge out far enough. When I make love it sounds like I’m chewing on a chalkboard.