Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: ‘Suicide vest’ is a redundancy.

Scarface’ is a redundancy.

Wait, you said ‘carry-on’ items? Not ‘carrion’ items? In that case, no, I don’t have any.

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: ‘Bagels don’t talk about you behind your back.’ … Since WHEN???

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

Who gets briefed is what gets briefed

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution on some teenaged love story? I can’t believe this.

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

I enjoy doing physical comedy.

In Bollywood, I think Boman Irani and Vinay Pathak are unbelievably good at comedy.

He shook his head. “The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I’m going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say?...

You can’t fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn’t work run like hell, while they...

Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up...

The life of every individual, viewed as a whole and in general, and when only its most significant features are emphasized, is really a tragedy; but gone through in detail it has the character of...

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

It was a comedy of mistakes to start the third quarter. We didn’t play very well and a team like Mandan takes advantage of everything.

Do I need to fire the little prat yet?” Liza Van der Bruggenziltch-Finch.

The Brit’s face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It’s a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat’s been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a...

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Yes. They are the words that finally turned me into the hermit I have now become. It was quite sudden. I saw them, and I knew what I had to do.”The sign read:”Hold stick near...

Acting by yourself is pretty darn hard, especially having to do physical comedy.

Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! – The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company’s Secret Weapon.

The effort really to see and really to represent is no idle business in face of the constant force that makes for muddlement. The great thing is indeed that the muddled state too is one...

You know, I’m really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

In the deep Mysteries of the world, their belong time, still unexplored and to be explored.

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen’s example, was sleeping with your superiors.

I think I have always tried to connect my comedy to my art.

It’d be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it’s totally obvious to everyone that I did it.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me...

What I really want to do is comedy. I would love to do some guest star spots on some single-camera comedies.

Morning, Bill,’ said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.’Go to hell!’ said Bill.’Right-ho,’ said his lordship.

And if that weren’t bad enough, the next sound he heard was a loud click.The damned woman had locked him out. She’d taken all the food and locked him out.”You’ll pay for this!” he yelled...

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful....

If secrecy is the beginning of tyranny, declassification is its apotheosis.

Less road rage – but also, how about less road beatitude.

Secret 318040. You can’t plug a leak without getting your fingers wet.

Secret 2591. If you can’t assure, obscure.

The Amish purposely wear drab clothing to discourage lust. If they want to prevent lust, why don’t Amish people just walk around naked?

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

The truth can never hurt a just cause. The cause’s security team will intercept the truth long before it gets close enough to pose a threat.

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

Primark ’till I die

I like to do things that are shocking or challenging for the sake of comedy.

I’d love to do a really broad comedy at some point.