The love between a man and an animal is a sacred thing. Well, at least it was, until the politicians started answering to the lobbyists and not the people.

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)

A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it’s itchy and sweaty.

I had a dream about you. Before I shaved my beard, I looked like a cat. My facial hair accurately represented my political beliefs, and if you don’t agree, well you can just lick my...

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

Jacksonville has pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasts, and mannequin fuckers. We also have other kinds of politicians too.

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand....

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from the bicycle that is love.

If I could go back in time, I’d love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh’s ear, but not while it was attached to his head.

The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.

I have outsourced my love to India. Call a call center if you want to hear how I feel.

When I went in the secret chamber, Thor was indeed there. A small room, the walls are entirely covered with loose slips of paper with math formulas on them, along with dirty napkins pinned up...

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.

She said she was a loser, and I argued she was a winner. I won the argument, thus losing the argument because my winning made her a loser.

When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

I drink coffee with a spoon, and I eat soup with a straw. The clang of metal on an empty mug wakes me up to the moment and reminds me to love.

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

Yes, but they also don’t protest when you root through their pockets.

Critique my better work only, because I want to get better from my best, not better from my worst.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to...

I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.

Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the name sounds.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

The guy in the white fedora looks like he’s reading a love letter. I say that only because he looks so confused, what else could the subject matter be?

I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It’s good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.

It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

I like hunting trees, because they don’t run away. I call it hunting, but others might call it farming.

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since I first met her. And being the best man doesn’t make me feel...

I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then I’ll offer each one of them one magical night of sex with me,...

I can’t remember if I’ve time traveled, because memory only covers the past, and it’s likely I’ve only been to the future. But that’s natural, because that’s where I store all my love.

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.

Sexcess—it’s about sex in excess and success all rolled up into one sweaty ball.

I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.