A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.

If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.

If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.

This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.

She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her.

I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.

I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After...

My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.

The men responsible for this depression are irresponsible, and therefore only irresponsible people are responsible enough to get us out and reverse course.

I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.

A man with nobody to love is like a stamped envelope with no address.

I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks like me, but I won’t vote for him, because I always vote for...

When I’m in yoga class, and I’m in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I’m the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two...

Sometimes I kick my cat. But I’m asleep, and he sleeps at the foot of my bed. It’s not like I kick it intentionally, like it was a politician.

Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

Cages are good. My heart is in my rib cage, and love is in my heart. We should put more things in cages, like politicians.

My gift to you is not what’s in the box—it is the box. Happy Birthday!

A politician is a person who trades promises for power, and then trades the people’s trust for personal gain.

I love like whole milk. Don’t give me your skim milk commitment.

Me: On time. Women: Late. Death: Early.

I had a dream about you. The lettuce in my sandwich was crunchier than your conversation, and all I could hear when you spoke was myself chewing. You made such a tasty conversation that I...

The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.

I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.

I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.

I’m not built for sales. I’m built for building things.

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

I can see myself in my teacher’s eyes. I look like a pupil.

What is life without death? That’s like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing the channel? Or government without taxes? Actually, I like those last two.

There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars.

Son, I’m dying,” where I visualize the day my estranged dad calls me out of the blue to tell me he is dying, and in as many ways as possible I’ll offer up various responses...

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.

I wish art was like money in that the more I made, the more interest it developed and plentiful it became. Money makes money, and if art made art, there’s no prison in this country...

Men are the fleas in the gray beard of God, and I’m just itching to meet Him.

Rather than demolish an abandoned warehouse, why not just cover it with graffiti and call it art?

A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.

In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body.

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

I had a dream about you. Half the people wanted to kill me, and half the people wanted me as their President. It was up to you whether I lived or reigned, and you made...

This is my logo for Bethany

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to...

Coffee is the anti-sleep, and I drink it like I eat ice, because I’m thirsty—and hungry for alertness.

A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).

I had a dream about you. You whispered in my ear, and I couldn’t quite hear what you said because Beethoven was being deaf too loud in the corner of the room. I thought you...

The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.

A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.