My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

I’m walking downstairs and upstairs at the same time. I’m in love.

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.

Not many men will love you like me. Of course, I’m not many men. I’m just several men. Or I will be, once my clones arrive.

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

Sales is a solo endeavor, a cold and lonely venture. Or it can be viewed in that aloof manner. It can also be viewed as something warm and symbiotic, and I think that’s what all...

It was more like a movie. Everyone was wearing black, gray, or white except for her. She was in a red dress, and like a herd of bulls, the crowd was angry and made charges...

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

A brand is built action by action, just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand homeless?

Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.

The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.)

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

He not only stood three inches taller than me, but I sold him two of those three inches. (The third inch I tossed in for free.)

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what...

I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This makes me the superior land animal.

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.

I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence.

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.