A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.

If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it. Sadly, I don’t have a necklace like that. The closest thing I have...

I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

I’m as efficient as a fish in the desert. I make love like a sundial at night.

The Eternal Golden Braid.” I tipped it toward me and a lever released the bookcase revealing it to be a secret door.

Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.

On influence: If you want to have a lot of pull, don’t go pushing people around.

The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.

If I had chlorophyll instead of blood, I’d have ivy in my IV (not Roman numeral four).

“Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so my mortality is on my mind.

I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there.

I was alone in that room. Of course, there were bodies all around, but they were all dead. They were dead when I got there. Well, most of them were dead. The last few I...

Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.

The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that if I don’t write I’ll have wasted my time here on earth.

When I help you, I feel good, you feel good, and the videographer I hired to document my generosity, altruism, and all around awesomeness feels good. I never knew how much love I had to...

My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.

The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.

We couldn’t make love, unfortunately, because she was dead. I didn’t kill her, if that’s what you’re wondering. She died long before I was born, and that’s probably the biggest mistake of my life.

I had a fistful of huhs, and a Ziploc bag full of questions—and a sandwich. But I didn’t bring them, because my lunchbox was full of love.

You are dead. It just hasn’t occurred to you yet.

Personal branding is sales, because you’re selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product.

The whole world is dying. Just too slowly and naturally for my liking. Somebody should poison the food by genetically modifying it somehow. But even if that happened, nobody would be stupid enough to buy...

I haven’t trusted my car since I bought a horse. I just can’t talk to my car like I can Mr. Needles. Cowboys make better lovers. Or so I hear—not that I’d know from personal...

Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting it like a cat. Needless to say it died. So I ate it.

I believe in love at first sight, if both people are blind at the time they become smitten with each other.

Aside from those few times I’ve killed a man, I’m not a violent person.

In my view, a Cyclops is halfway to being blind. Love sees all. When someone insults me and I go silent, I’m in Helen Keller mode. Listen!

I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.

Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times.

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...

I am the coffee, and God is The Barista. Through me, he may awaken your soul. But the coffee knows not what flows through the mind of The Barista.

This is my logo for Mouth

We all have to have something to hold on to, even if it’s our own torso.

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.

Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry. And I just want to sell tickets to an event people will pay...

In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was a coach looking to recruit some new fruit, but I decided to give...

The only questions I’ll ask my clone, are ones in which I already know the answer. This is the path to self-discovery.

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in...

Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, “If you can read this, Happy Birthday!

Chopsticks”–only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

My TV’s broken. It’s step one in my goal to read more.

Her love is a green rose in a fit of red jealousy. Contrast that to my love, which has no contrast, and is a red rose full of red envy for the object of her...

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...