I long for your love like the length of a midget.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An...

I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.

Everything you swallow will kill you, some faster than others. Swallow your pride, and you’ll love a long time.

Hate.

My sense of fashion is unmatched. Also, my socks are unmatched. My feet have grown cold, but my love for you has not.

When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.

I had a dream about you. We were checking in to a haunted hotel, and you said you forgot your toothbrush. I told you my left pants pocket was empty if you wanted to clean...

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona...

I think I’ll help myself to seconds.

She’s too sexy to be a killer—but not a murderer. A woman this beautiful gets a patsy to dole out death, and that makes her a lead murder suspect.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, “Better you than me,” I always reply, “Yes, I am better than you.

I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

He was cold and ugly, so I lent him my invisible cloak. He was grateful and said if I was ever in the area again, I should try to find him.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.

I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.

A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

I have been writing for about eleven years now. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years, I hope to be Elford.

If you love me, wait until you meet my clone!

If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they just shit themselves; and if I’m crying, my eyes get lighter and greener,...

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my...

Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so brown that if I stepped in shit, you wouldn’t be able to tell...

If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.

Get me a slinky.

Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.

The key to making supreme Snuggle Pudding is mixing in enough cat.

You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your...

My cat is a meow factory. Why can’t he manufacture something more profitable, like love?

I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.

I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.