I don’t have to extend my hand to greet you. A wink can reach across the room. And a wink in a telescope can stretch across the universe.

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

Thoughtlessness—I try not to think about it.

My hotel room faces the ocean. My face is also oceanic.

A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large tilde sign.

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is 2012, and I think the world is progressive enough to finally accept houses.

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.

I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?

The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.

I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.

The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Better than learning how to speak a foreign language, is to start speaking the truth. But few people will listen, because they just don’t understand.

She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of Jell-O that had an IQ of 180—which is absurd, because the last bowl...

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.

We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.

I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?

A lie makes up 3/4ths of life.

Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman.

Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes.

I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away.

I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and two, I want to be the best door-to-door salesman who sells doors, so...

Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.

Mannequin parts disassembled and discombobulated coming together for a good cause—to sell some clothes. That’s what charity is all about.

Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.

I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.

Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.

If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of a few cats I have roaming my house like walking art displays that...

The best way to sell a car is to first try to sell them an airplane, then a horse, and then finally bring up the newest model automobile you have for sale.

If death is the end of life, what is birth the end of?

This is my logo for Mouth

I have two hands so I can provide companionship to myself by holding one hand with the other. As a lover, I am self-sufficient.

My plan to live from 65 to forever is to simply keep showing up. I also don’t want to retire at the same age as a road’s speed limit—unless that speed limit is 35. Live...

Like a statue, I’m hairless. Also like a statue, I have hair. Let’s make love like a dandelion goes bald in the breeze.