I wish there were a vending machine that served cats. Not to eat, but to pet during my work break.

Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my...

The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to find out! Bring a friend, but not a lumberjack.

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

My love sits on the stove like a cat with an oven mitt for an ass.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for...

Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing...

I can always say no to a bottle of booze, but only after saying yes to the alcohol inside.

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.

I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.

The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.

The last 33 years of my life have been a blur, like a hummingbird’s beating wings. Time flies, but not backwards, like a hummingbird can.

I had a dream about you. You were guarding a bridge that I needed to cross. You asked if I had the proper paperwork, and I said I did, but I was just missing one...

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that...

I know how to handle a sword, a gun, and a kangaroo pouch stuffed with marshmallows. You should fear me.

I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me.

Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.

drimorious” not exist, but neither does an honest politician.

I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after...

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.

She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.

A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that instead. Isn’t it better that I be the one to sit on your...

One plus love equals lonely.

A brick could be used for job security, like an employment paperweight. Hey, in this economic depression, I’ll take anything I can get to help me hold down a job.

I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.

I had a dream about you. I watched you grow up, and though I enjoyed the whole process, it did get pretty uncomfortable sitting in the tree holding those binoculars all those years.

After a good run, my legs feel like Jell-O. Somebody get me a spoon and stick a fork in me.

It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.

My love started the day I was born. If you run you can probably catch up. Remember, think marathon—not sprint.

My feelings for her faded from black to red. Was I in love—or in hell?

I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the politicians talk, all I hear is them breaking wind through their mouths.

If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because they’re all five minutes fast and I want to know exactly how much...

Dan” in Danger. I’m sorry, Dan.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

This is my logo for Amy

I was born in 1982. That’s like 1984, except not so dystopian.

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees.

Grandma Got Herpes—For A Discount”.

I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all my sobbing, I ended up waking it up.

In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that I was asleep, but that I needed to wake up and write this...