I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

When a guy at the urinal says to me, “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it,” I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, “Shh. I’m about...

The Titanic.” Surely a brick with that name would never sink.

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning...

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at least unless a hurricane gets here, which would mean the government knocked down...

Remember when we made love in the rain? You asked me to bring protection, and I brought a windshield wiper. That was my first time. I had never driven in the rain before that. I...

leadership” in Washington DC—on both sides of the political spectrum.

No matter how hard you try looking for love, Orafoura once told me, the last place you’ll find it is in another man’s ass. But that may not be true, because the last time I...

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

He lies on the couch all day watching television. I admire his classic American ambition. He’s probably a better lover than me.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

Are you handing me an empty wine glass? You’re so thoughtful. How’d you know I wasn’t in the mood to drink?

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

I had a dream about you. You were talking on the phone like it was a banana, and my body was cramping up due to low potassium levels. I tried waving at you to get...

A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals.

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones.

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s...

I was once attacked by a Federal park. But due to governmental inefficiencies, I had to report it to highway patrol.

I Google myself to find out who I am as a person.

Our love was full of passion that only youth can provide. When she left me, I was heartbroken. But it was inevitable. Kindergarten was just around the corner, and we were both going to different...

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look...

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

This is my logo for Two-Faced

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That’s one of my hobbies, when I’m not impersonating statues of mimes.

In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because that’s just the way life is. Some fish gets jealous over a bird,...

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

I had a dream about you. You winked at me and said the meat’s fresh, and I didn’t know which meat you were referring to. So I zipped up my pants and left the Men’s...

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

No, I’m digging a grave for you.” It was at this point that I unsheathed Chuck Norris’ right arm and sliced you with a karate chop.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

Love me for me, not for how much I resemble my clones, or how handsome they are, or how brilliant they are, or how much you want to have sex with all of them, at...

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.