I dropped out of school in the fourth grade to work in a shoe factory before I took up farming. I grew salmon—on trees.

The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his fault. I tried to wrap him as tight as I could without restricting...

I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

But I’m not talking about now. Last Tuesday I could have killed you. Had you in the scope of my rifle, but I let you live. Now THAT was stupid.

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.

Bricks could be used like trophies. And if we give them to everyone, just for participating, then collectively we could build a big House of Emptiness.

Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life.

I whirled in the room like a tornado wearing a tracksuit. I wasn’t wearing a tracksuit, but I did have a smirk like a zipper. I loved her like my fly was open to criticism.

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to...

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.

There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.

Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some coffee concoction that tasted like the charred remains of Hitler’s soul, and I...

She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will be great. You then write 11 things, of which two of them will...

He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may have been a third party involved.

So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.

My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time.

Samuel Clemens.

A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment.

Chicken Noodle Soup for the Stomach.” I wrote it with alphabet soup, and then edited it with a can of chicken noodle soup.

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more...

I am the coffee Randolph in your zebra escapade. Drink of me as you would any other time you swallow caffeinated saliva.

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

I couldn’t throw a basketball through a hula-hoop, but I could drink coffee through a fishing net. But why do that when I’d rather fish with a thermos?

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my computer screen.

Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a...

The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the problem. Pose the questions, present the answers, and then pose nude while the people make statues out of you...

If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.

Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.

I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.

The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?

I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.

When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in punishment.

Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

I sleep around. I sleep around my cat, who sleeps like a boulder in the middle of the bed and refuses to move.

Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are. -What makes you think I don’t own a mirror? Every face that ever looks at me tells me that...

My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.

It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than...