For the sake of my loved ones, I don’t drink sake.

He had sky eyes and sun hair and all the women loved him. And all I had was an empty coffee cup, full of sleepy hope.

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

We made love sweet and gentle, like strawberry jelly. Peanut butter makes me horny.

Too bad Agatha was colorblind, because she had no idea how beautiful her eyes were. Agatha’s eyes were grey, blue, green, and brown, though never all at once and never more than two eyes at...

If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.

His haircut looked like a spinning Frisbee on his forehead, and that’s why I fell in love. Because his girlfriend got tired of stray dogs trying to catch his face, and she liked that I...

I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.

I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body woke my brain up at 1:11 precisely, and I laid in bed trying...

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

If facial expressions had fur, then I’d snuggle your sneer. It’s so ugly it’s cute, like one of those little dogs, the kind Ryan Lilly has.

When I’m exhausted, I can sleep through anything. One time I slept though a wall—and there wasn’t even a door or opening.

With math, I remember all of the words—and none of the numbers. I’m also like that with love.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

Suicide is selfish. Don’t take your own life—take someone else’s.

If you can predict the future, you can change the past.

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.

It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times...

I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked body. I like Salmon Rushdie like a bear would. Especially with a honey...

There are days when I don’t know how I live with myself. Those days are Sundays through Saturdays.

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

I thought she was sexy until I noticed she had a beard.

The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused...

I love work. Well, I love being a passive spectator, rather than an active participant.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.

Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!

I like farm salmon. I like the idea of fish growing on trees.

New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

I saw myself in a piece of glass that wasn’t a mirror. Was that my doppelganger or my clone? Who was that? Who am I? Maybe if I hadn’t been acting like a reverse Peeping...

Rose is For Sale.” Prostitution or a grammatically incorrect flower shop, I’d like to enter both right about now.

I don’t like customer service, because I don’t believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.

On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I have plenty of tips, but I don’t have any friends.

If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken...

I run like I walk—only slower. And I make love like a one-man circus show.

I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.

A writer should be a recluse. Why share words with a few friends in the moment when they can be written down in solitude and shared with everybody at any time?

The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing...

The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to branch out and start networking more. Unless you are a pile of cat...

I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.

Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush.

If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection.

It’s easy to see what to do once it’s already been done. The difficult time is before it’s to be done, and while you’re doing it. This is the difference between writing and editing.

No need to get sexual with me.” I’m a bring my own elevator kind of lover anyway.

I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?

I tried to raise my eyebrows in disbelief, but I forgot I’d packed away my eyebrows along with all my other winter clothing. My iced coffee was watery and warm with neglect.

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body...

At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night and decide for yourself.