I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.

If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to find out! Bring a friend, but not a lumberjack.

My love sits on the stove like a cat with an oven mitt for an ass.

In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered meat, beans, and cheese, you’d be correct.

I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for...

Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing...

The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.

I can always say no to a bottle of booze, but only after saying yes to the alcohol inside.

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

In my experience, I’ve found myself to be inexperienced. But at least I found myself. Some people spend their lives searching in vain.

My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.

I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.

I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.

The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.

The last 33 years of my life have been a blur, like a hummingbird’s beating wings. Time flies, but not backwards, like a hummingbird can.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

I had a dream about you. You were guarding a bridge that I needed to cross. You asked if I had the proper paperwork, and I said I did, but I was just missing one...

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that...

A brick could be used as a book cover. Talk about hardcover!

I know how to handle a sword, a gun, and a kangaroo pouch stuffed with marshmallows. You should fear me.

I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me.

Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.

drimorious” not exist, but neither does an honest politician.

I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after...

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.

She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.

Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap sheets in America belong to politicians.

Laws are chains to the many, and whips to the few.

A figure 8 doesn’t figure into my plans to live to infinity.

Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.

Spaghetti for brains albino idea weasel.”And that was when I stabbed her with a piece of garlic toast. It seemed like the most appropriate response. The police didn’t seem to agree, and I could tell...

I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with?

Your vote doesn’t count. All that counts is who counts the votes.

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

The only thing politicians serve is their own interest. Public servant has morphed into private serpent.

Jarod.” But with my logo, people only see the face, and not the name behind the face, which is how it is in real life. So smile, because it’s what people will remember about you.

There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.

I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like a chicken.

My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it...

You run for political office, insulated from the consequences that actions incur in the real world.

I’m in the middle between a pessimist and an optimist. I take full responsibility for the glass half full. Well, I take half-full responsibility. But if it were full of beer, I’d take full responsibility.

I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.

plus one.” But I did get all worked up, and I spent the evening on the couch, crying.