I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.

I keep a list of our differences. The good news is there’s only one item. The bad news is that the one item reads: Everything.

To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only smaller. In keeping with the frugal and Puritanical mindset, they even share the...

Life should be lined with love. A stomach should also be lined. So should football fields.

I farted five fingers of happy. It was a hot hello.

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.

My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if...

When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.

I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.

I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. Orafoura doesn’t call me Mr. Mist for nothing.

When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves....

I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d probably give her right ear for a left ear that wasn’t soundproof).

Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.

I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.

When I hear someone’s sick, my first thought is selfishly, Better him than me. My second thought is more altruistic: Better him than one of my loved ones.

I’m offering you love on a stick. If you’d like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you...

This is my own personal logo

Don’t be surprised if I try to stab you with a club sandwich sword. I will defend your right to free speech at any cost—including killing you.

I’m in the bovine department. That’s where I’ll see a cow wearing a leather jacket. It’s so cold here that I can almost see Putin’s nipples.

I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me.

I’d rather own something that’s worth millions to nobody, than something that’s worth nothing to millions.

The only good thing about all the radiation in the air is I can go on my nightly walk and wear my astronaut’s suit and not feel like an idiot. I also wear the astronaut’s...

A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a...

I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.

The phone book shouldn’t be arranged alphabetically, but by height. Guess how tall my love for you is. That’s right—taller than Goliath!

I had a dream about you. You were learning to compose music like Mozart, and I was learning to listen like Beethoven. He was deaf, and you were blind to the fact that you had...

Oh, there are so many ways to categorize and catalogue things. Alphabetically, numerically, by date, weight, height, color, monetary value, sentimental value, or by Orafoura’s spiritual index. For me, I order things to subdue the...

I’d rather be me being me than me trying to be my own clone. I try to stay true to who I am as a person, not a genetically modified being.

My alarm went off. My sleep went on. Dreaming about coffee is not the same as drinking down coffee.

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

I spoke like a spoke on a wheel, as I went around and around without actually saying what I wanted to say. I was love flustered.

Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.

If you can’t respect me as a banana, then I’m not sure how you can respect me as a man. Aside from not cramping up, what’s more important than respect?

He’s a buying dude, and I’ve got to sell him something—like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)

I’d like to write gibberish in Latin, because if people aren’t going to be able to read it, they might as well not read it in a dead language.

If you look up to see a shooting star, you might miss the silver dollar on the sidewalk. But no matter where you look, or where you travel, you’ll never get lost or arrive late...

Remember this: Everybody is less fortunate than you, in some way or another. If you are poor in wealth, be rich in spirit.

While all men want to be free, some want to be free to think what they want, and other men want to be free from the burden of free thought. These men seek freedom through...

Once she told me her secret, it ceased to be a secret. Therefore, I was free to tell the world.

If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.

I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!

All the planning for the first ever Sleepwalking Parade has made me tired. I think I’ll go for a walk.

If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon.

My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?

I made Tuesday Salad like Monday morning is Sunday night. Do you agree on the difference a day can make in the realm of love?

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.