Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I...

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

I swallow my own lies with big gulps, as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier than a dishonest I love you.

I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.

Alcohol helps you to loosen up to make memories you won’t forget, and then it helps you to forget them completely.

He didn’t fail to disappoint. He always succeeds at failing.

Emerald Isle” because there are lots of precious stones found there, such as sapphires and rubies.

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

I run through all the positive character qualities in my mind, and assign myself a number from 1-10 on where I think I am on each. Surprisingly I score tens on each one until the...

Sleep” that’s sure to put everybody to the title. The whole movie will look like an extended blink. That way, if anybody asks if you’ve seen it, and you say No, you fell asleep halfway...

I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

Don’t sell yourself short—sell yourself medium, because it’s taller. Did you know my love is refillable? For just .99 cents.

Love has boundaries, like a map, and I guess that makes me a cartographer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too topographical for my taste.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered “All of them,” you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father’s pillowcase.

My name is Awesome Amazing. My middle name is Lee.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks and does impressions of my visitors with a falsetto voice. It’s embarrassing. I...

My love is atonal. It sounds like a bodily function (walking, or sometimes running).

The man who has pajamas knitted to match those of his cat, must be a superior lover.” My grandpa died a virgin.

Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.

My bedroom is a fridge with a window, because I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I cuddle like warm meatloaf, but hardly ever with warm meatloaf.

Initially, I’m one E short of being a JOKE. Midgets are also short.

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

The Black-eyed Peasants.

Power lines are great places to hang my clothes—especially since my closet is full of birds. I make love like I have wings and know how to fly.

My advice for a healthy life: love, laugh, and pee in the shower. High school class reunions would be better if divided by gender and held in the locker rooms.

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it’s sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don’t like squeezing sponges. The only time I like...

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I put on my midnight-black blindfold. I’m just naturally romantic, I guess.

Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget.

When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first taking off my bunny ears.

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason’s lay when...

Guacamole makes an excellent facial cream. It won’t reduce wrinkles, but I’d sure enjoy scraping it off your skin while you sleep, as I munch on nachos as quietly as I can.

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde, and she had blue eyes. Or maybe that was a different woman. I...

I had a dream about you. You had a gun to my head, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense you were holding a needle to my temple, because I was Mr. Bubblegumhead. I just wanted...

Razorblades and Cyanide.” That should come as no surprise, as we have seven bridges from which to jump from.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

I don’t expect you to except me, but I do expect you to accept me.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...