How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don’t know anybody named Donald.

I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man would look exactly like my clone.

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it...

The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.

When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and swallowing, which is drinking.

I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you...

I went to a wake, but I wasn’t awake. I was asleep, not dead.

I tried being 29, and it worked for about a year, but finally I just had to get rid of it.

Most Wanted.” It’s good to be desired. I’d be honored to be shot at for a large reward, or a small cup of coffee.

If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on a pizza and make much ado about nothing, everything, anything, something.

Age is just a number. So is my area code.

A hug—it’s been holding me back from achieving my goals.

Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home.

I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look exactly the same as me.

If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into protecting that vulnerability. But I say if you’re playing on my fear to...

I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity.

I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.

I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.

A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood. Or a car.

Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.

Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?

The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there.

At night my shadow multiplies, and clones itself into total darkness. Half of all nudists hate me half the time, and half love me half the time. Sadly for me, the half who love me...

The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.

It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.

I’d rather go into a competition as the underdog. Less pressure to perform, and more motivation.

I had a dream about you. We watched the sunset together like a couple of perverts in a peep show. I really liked your idea of cutting a hole in a sheet of plywood, because...

I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.

One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.

The earth has lots of love to give, if you just know where to dig. My advice is start in the cemetery.

I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they were looking out for my best interest. How refreshing it’d be to see...

Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, the second quickest reaction 1/3rd...

A blanket could be used to trap and contain love. I’ve tried other stuff, like a Ziploc bag, a can of tuna, and even a dead cat’s stomach, but nothing seems to be able to...

Boy, when Grandma Wrinklebottom comes to town, you’d better hide your underwear. I know I’ll be hiding my political perspectives.

Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.

A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you calling me a liar?

Be the cheeseburger you’ve always dreamed you could be. That’s the advice I’d give to any hamburger running for political office.

I have nothing, so I think having something would mean everything to me. But I don’t want to get to the point where I have everything, so having something would mean nothing to me.

One winter I wrapped myself in newspaper, for warmth and for illiteracy.

I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.

Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.

Opportunity is not your opponent—it is your ally, but it’s hard to see that because opportunity is often camouflaged and hidden among danger and chaos.

Thor again tutored me in the seventh grade, when I was learning Algebra. Algebra was quite an experience for me. Thor spent countless hours with me, because it was very hard for me to grasp...

I have no regrets. Just original grets.