The outer bands of the tropical storm didn’t play as good of music as the inner bands near the eye did.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.

My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall.

In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.

Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do...

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

If you replace the letter “s” with the letter “x,” you can make a lot of plural words naughty. For example, “fences” would become “fencex,” and I’d say good fencex makes good neighbors.

I don’t just watch TV all day long. I also listen.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?

I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

I would have sex in the backseat of my car, but from back there, how would I be able to hit the brakes? Or steer the vehicle?

I wanted to observe how a genuine people person, who happens to also be a salesman, handles himself in the presence of a stranger. And few people are stranger than me, so I was paying...

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only in half the time!

I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

Coffee, it’s not my cup of tea. Being in love isn’t really my cup of tea either, but when it’s steamy I’ll sip it dutifully.

A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What...

We made love like two tree branches in winter. We were naked and motionless.

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants?

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.

I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his...

Starting tomorrow, I will stop procrastinating. Or, of I’m too busy putting things off, I’ll start the following day.

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?

If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which,...

I want to write a song about retaliation called, “Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm…While You Were Out of Town.

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my...

I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more peaceful, and cooler, world.

I have rose-colored glasses. The frames have thorns.

The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura began cleaning out his underwear drawer in 1982.

I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.

If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.

We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through our ears.

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they...

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.