Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There...

Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.

Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.

I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all the politicians except Barney Frank, who’d actually derive pleasure from the experiment.

At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have to put in. But somewhere along your prison sentence, you come to see...

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together.

swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.

A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still,...

Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for...

To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.

There aren’t two political parties in this country, it’s all just one big party—and the citizens aren’t invited.

Alone is just another word for love.

Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might be a 1.2. Interestingly, piss and shit are numerically represented by 1 and...

I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.

My life story is 75% true. But which quarter is a lie? Better check my pants pockets—the one the politician’s wearing.

If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

If I say your breasts are perfect, don’t tell me I’m wrong—prove me wrong by showing me. If more people voted with their wallets, more strippers would be elected officials.

Love is a gift you receive by giving. The more love you give, the more love you get. Try it out today, and try it out with me. Go ahead—give me all your love.

When politicians declare war, I declare my love for antilove for them.

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

The political climate is stable, when you keep the ruling animals in a stable. I no longer vote for anything that can’t be ridden by a monkey dressed like a cowboy.

My shoes are scuffed and dirty from dancing. The grave of my enemy is where I go to find my inner Astaire.

I had a dream about you. I was a chef and you were a buffet. The people were starving, children were dying of malnutrition, and all the politicians tried feeding them rhetoric. I suggested we...

I had a dream about you. I was a robot that looked like Robert the Bruce, and you were a Bruce that looked like a Robert. You also danced like a robot, and I danced...

I believe the shortest path between two points involves an elaborate maze as the only option of travel, entry and exit fees, and forms and applications that must be approved before the journey can even...

Your book is nonsense.

I once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.

I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.

I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

Love is like 17 cents minus 33,333.50 dollars. No wait, that’s not love—that’s how much debt I owe for a worthless college degree.

I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.

I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s...

The with is shorter than the without, but the with makes the without bearable, as the shadow of memory is long and bright. Let this be a lesson in love.

My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years, if my math is good. And my math better be good, because if...

I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s all—not even a cumulative minute—and that’s why I only ever earn seconds. Still,...

The Man With A Green Apple For A Nose.” This is not a joke.

I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are my feet. I soak them, sometimes for hours, while I watch a movie...

Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of him?

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.

I had a dream about you. We were debating the nature of love, and you said it was invisible, and I said it was the color of gold. You accused me of being a banker,...

Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if I was a dentist, and I wondered why more people didn’t brush their...