There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

It.” Boy or girl, It is perfect.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

The Sunshine State.

When nobody knows who you are, you have no power. But when nobody knows who you are, you have no weakness.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

Standing around making ten dollars an hour—that’s what they pay me the big bucks for.

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea...

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that’s true, it makes me sound wealthy and...

Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.

I don’t have any inkling what to do with all the ink in this digital age. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of love letters to a dead author. Who moved my mayonnaise?

He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t put food on my table.

Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get to keep your intelligence, integrity, loyalty, and honesty, whereas any other politician in...

People think coffee can be drunk with or without cream and sugar, but coffee can be drunk more ways than that. Coffee can be drunk awake or asleep, and coffee can be drunk by the...

Why spend ten dollars to buy one item that does two things, when for five dollars a piece I can sell you two items that each does one thing?

I love Ocala. I also love anal sex with midgets. I mean I would, if I were an averagely perverted politician.

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

There’s no room for love in my life. My car trunk is already full of groceries, a spare tire, and two kidnap victims.

I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed...

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

When I’m old and I brush my teeth and her dentures, I’ll smile because that is love—and that is disgusting.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

Love is something you must work at. And if you can’t work at it, don’t expect the government to subsidize you. At least not until the Central Bank figures out how to counterfeit emotions.

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

Jacksonville has more sex offenders than any city since Sodom. Or Gomorrah. Actually, I may be mistaken. I always confuse sex offender with politician.

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll produce enough leftovers for decades.

One woman is smirking, and another is averting her eyes with disinterest. It’s just like what happens when I bring up politics with strangers.

All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.

I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who...

I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than 11:00 am), have a late lunch (1:00-4:00), and work late (5:01) every day (except Thursdays and Fridays). I...

I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.

I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill.

I have bumper stickers for my website all over this city. Some are even on bumpers.