I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt...

I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved. I’m so bloody needy.

I’m picketing pickpockets, because I hate politicians.

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things, I have everything I need. Well, aside from love.

I had a dream about you. You acted like a stranger, and tried to introduce yourself to me while standing next to me at my neighboring urinal in the men’s room. You tried to shake...

Eat Bubblegum” dance, I can’t actually perform it because my belly doesn’t bulge out far enough. When I make love it sounds like I’m chewing on a chalkboard.

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

A politician is a person whose brain is as jiggly as Jell-O, only not as intelligent.

I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.

I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!

I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat. Actually, you are the Galapagos Islands. Or perhaps you are a failed Pollack...

I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us how to use Photoshop and Illistrator by showing the class demonstration video clips....

I had a dream about you. I was selling dreams and you were selling sleep. We decided to partner up, until I used some of your product and went for a sleepwalk and fell off...

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

Branding is marketing and networking. It’s netmarking.

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?

Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.

I sing karaoke like I drink coffee. If my words come out a bit gargled, relax, that’s precisely how Hootie and the Blowfish is supposed to sound.

Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

p.” Stay quiet woman!

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

Dance like there’s nobody watching. Or filming. Never mind that creepy guy in the corner with the camcorder. Just keep dancing.

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.