I had a dream about you. Time didn’t exist for us. We were like two people who were in love who were always late. But we didn’t care, because where there is no time there...

Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.

A poll was conducted among all the dead people who voted in the 2012 presidential election asking which major metropolis would make the best ghost town, and 66.6% said Jacksonville. The other 33.3% continued to...

Jack and Hilda went up the hill to fetch a mountain of valley.

The raindrops gathered on my windshield like prostitutes at a political convention, and I voted like I always vote—with my windshield wiper.

I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can’t remember what we talked about, I just remember him smelling like chicken feed.

I collect information. But not just any information, I collect misinformation. I am the museum of misinformation. I’m also the artist and curator. And Docent.

I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.

It’s not enough to be the best. You also have to be seen by the most. A masterpiece painting hanging in the storage unit of the artist who painted it is not art—it’s irrelevant. It’s...

I tell people, “Yeah, I went to Harvard University.” What I don’t tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.

Communism: If nobody owned anything, and everybody owned everything, there’d be no reason to work for something, because not only could you not have it—but you’d already have it.

Math Superstar” program. After each assignment, stars of various colors signifying degrees of excellence were stuck on all the papers handed in. Like the Olympics, gold was the highest honor. Wendy, the girl who sat...

Art books are filled with interesting images. And that’s cool and all, but I look more for the nudes.

Love is so stressful. I just want to wear a toga and be a shepherd. If I looked more like Jesus, I’ll bet I’d get more followers on Twitter.

Any fool can masturbate, but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

I had a dream about you. I had superhuman strength, not unlike I possess when I’m awake, and you wanted me to enter and win the World’s Strongest Man competition. I told you my super...

If I had to describe my penis with a movie title, it would be: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

I had a dream about you. Flowers were overflowing in the cemetery, so we decided to have a picnic there. You brought apple pie, and I brought my Aunt Mildred, who’d been dead for some...

I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

I had a dream about you. I was a shoe salesman and you had no feet. I needed to make a sale or I’d be fired, and you needed reliable transportation. I suggested you buy...

Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.

Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn’t wear any. I’d go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I’d tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female...

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees.

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.

I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.

R u in?”

I wanted to make love in the rain, but owing to unfavorable (or, rather favorable) weather conditions, I took to the shower as a suitable substitute.

I’d be willing to walk around wearing clothes from the 1930s, telling everyone I am a time traveler. You’ve got to do more than dig if you want to earn the love of a dead...

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

In LaLa Land, there is only one kind of sex that’s logical. In a made-up land, such as LaLa Land, the citizens are forever engaging in make-up sex.

I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw.

A brick could be used for bric-a-brac. If you bring the brick, I’ll bring the brac.

Richmond lost his Virginia when he was 1776.

My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?

A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work.

I’m as efficient as a fish ant, I’m as mythical as a productive government employee, and I’m the kind of lover your mother would approve of. Ask her—she’ll tell you how good I am in...