When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

Words are all we’ve got. Besides, of course, actions. But you can’t print out and read actions. Actions also don’t carry ideas with the same ease as words.

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.

The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her.

Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.

I suggested to her that she start writing. “I can’t write at all,” she said. “Neither can many bestsellers,” I replied. “But that pesky detail didn’t stop them.

Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.

In the future, man will travel on flying carpets, and shoes that float on water. And we’ll all make love together, as one, as one might masturbate today.

I don’t like writers whose writing is so obvious that I can predict what he’ll write while I’m still taking in his current thoughts. Why, this means that I know what he knows, and the...

Of all sports, wrestling is the most like cuddling. I’m all sweaty because I’m training hard to show her how much I love her.

Some people work to live, and other people live to work. Then some people, like me, are both unemployed and alive (at least at the time of this writing).

My writing looks like it’s ten steps behind my mind, and racing to always catch up.

I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because my erection took up all my pants and half the kitchen.

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.

Snuggle time is my favorite time. Well, that and 12:34 and 3:33. And the time between when I take my first sip of coffee at 8 AM and when I finally wake up, at 5:00...

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Incredibly, he wore an incredulous look on his face like he had no idea what she was insinuating. Did she just accuse him of murder? I hope she did, because I have no alibi, but...

A vagina is a door to a new world,” I thought as I grabbed the handle and gave it a turn.

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms.

I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing...

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.

If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark.

I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n...

Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.

Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three...

I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.

The doors magically opened without the assistance of modern electronic devices. Instead, they cleverly employed doormen.

Catholic, Episcopalian, I won’t have sects with you.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.

I had a dream about you. The flowers were blooming, but our love was wilting. I tried to water our relationship, but no matter what I did, you were insistent on leaving me for a...

The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.

Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

One evening we made love all morning.

Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.