My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m...

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

Politician you out.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

The Sunshine State.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea...

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.

Hard work would really open doors for me. So would being disabled.

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is.

To live a more authentic life, I’ve started studying the world’s best counterfeiters, the Central Bankers. But I can assure you, my love for you is not inflated.

My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we...

I feel with a mullet and a mustache my job prospects would improve.

I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Knock on wood for good luck—and if you think that’s the best way to get the door to open.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

On a unicycle, my tire will tire before I do. I ride for charity. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy a bicycle.

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

I’ll get a gift for you, but I’ll give it to someone else to give to you, so that it’s like I’m giving two gifts: the gift itself, and the gift of giving.

If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.

Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?

Is he dead? -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

The best salespeople are not salespeople, they’re people who’ve not only bought the product, but also bought into the idea of the company and the brand.

I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.

My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.

I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.

Make yourself interesting to history. Master some aspect of life, and then find a different area and do something crazy. Become a painter, then round up a herd of cattle and slaughter them with your...

Jacksonville has more creativity in its soup kitchens than any other community with an abundance of starving artists. I once sculpted a stale baguette into the shape of Stalin, and the art community was torn...

I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.

If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.

It is possible to be in two dreams at once. If I dream about you, and you are asleep at the time, you are in both your dreams, and mine. Still, you’re not really in...

A country isn’t something concrete, composed of intertwined individuals interlocked together. That’s absurd. A country is abstract, with some silly frilly flag and pomp and a song—a national anthem. But dust off the glitter, replace...

I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I...

I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to us. Your word was hello, and my word was goodbye. You made me...

If I were facing a firing squad, I’d ask them to hold on just one second, because I have a wedgie and it is very uncomfortable. Let me adjust myself, and then you can shoot...

I had a dream about you. I invented and sold shoes that left no footprints, and you were thinking about committing a murder in a muddy area. I said that committing a murder was a...

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer’s other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.