Because my family has no money, I’ve decided to become a prostitute. That’s right, I’m going into politics.

I can’t charge you 99 cents for a book called 99 Cents For Some Nonsense, because that would make sense. However, I have to charge you 99 cents, because it makes sense not to. So...

I dig art. With a shovel. In the cemetery.

I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly.

More than half.” True, but would they also know Georgia is a state, a country, and a painter?

I played hard for four quarters, and I took home a dollar. And with college being about pay to play, I earned my spot on the bench.

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

Algebra is numbers forgetting why they’re letters.

If love were a collection of collections, would your relationship be banged-up baseball cards, or famous art? My love for you is famous art. You just have to wait for my death so my work...

My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.

When searching for a missing person, I’ll canvas the area. Like a painter. I make love like Bob Ross, only your happy tree is happier, and I’ll keep your coffee warm—in my stomach.

A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a physical representation of the abstract concepts of hard work and dedication. And that’s...

I had a dream about you. You were 1882, and I was 1982. You said you were older, and I replied that I was taller. Still, for being a midget, you were pretty good at...

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored.

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

I had a dream about you. I was a melted ice-cream repairman, and you had a microwave for a head. You made fun of my trade, so I made you eat tinfoil until your head...

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

I had a dream about you. I think we made love, but I can’t be certain because the scenes were censored by the Moral Authorities. The thing that pisses me off is my grocery list...

If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it...

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

It has been found that reading love quotes is beneficial to your health. It has been found by me, and I found it under my bed.

I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

She’s young and beautiful, which is twice as good as old and ugly. Some people are both, and some people are both.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

I am different, just like everyone else. And as such, I celebrate by being the same. The world won’t see a truly unique person until the first human clone arrives.

If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more...

The best day of the week to fall in love is always today. Today will happen again tomorrow, so I’m comfortable sleeping alone for the next 24 hours straight.

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

Susan B. Anthony. Also, Susan be Anthony, now that she had a sex change.

A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.