The sky itches and that’s why I tickled it with the feather of a bird. Do you realize it’s been 14 days since two weeks ago? Boy, time flies.

Everybody should have their own personal logo. Mine is a smiley face that’s winking, as if I’m passing on secret knowledge. But it’s not like I tell just anybody. My secrets are so sought after...

I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.

Day or night, I can’t see the wind. But at night, it feels like I can see it even less. What’s less visible than invisible?

Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.

There’s no reason to not be humble, because as great as you may be, you can always be greater.

sing” in single. But only when I’m in the shower.

I’m sorry.

I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether romance, mystery, or horror, nobody suspects the flowers.

Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?

Orafoura said to give love to the dragonflies. But only after you kill the dragons. And the flies.

People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven. I know, because I’ve been to Cleveland.

I hate when a manager falls in love with an employee. Well, if she won’t date me, I just won’t put her on the schedule. If she won’t give me the time of day, I...

Dear Mary Duende, It’s freezing here in the trenches, but loneliness is colder than any hyperthermia. Gunshots and shrapnel have become my companions. But life is better now than it was when I was at...

Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also feel so bad for Chad.

I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out and evaporate. Scotch on the rocks, anyone?

A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.

Did I hear that right? Did someone say ice cream? It’s an odd thing to say in the middle of a eulogy, but hell yes, I could go for some ice cream. We could take...

If I’m having a conversation with my clone, am I having an interior dialogue externally?

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?

The spirit is tied to the brain—for the brain makes us who we are. So if our spirit lives after death, so too does our intelligence and personality.

sales” and it scares them. But sales is nothing more than developing a relationship. A good salesman knows the relationship must be balanced and symbiotic—both parties must feel that what they received is equal to...

Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying,...

I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.

I was driving over the Buckman Bridge when 9/11 happened. If I’d have know my actions would directly lead to the deaths of 3,000 people, I’d have taken another bridge.

I’m not an actor. I just play one on TV.

He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea, and considerably harder to stab than grandpa.

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.

Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.

My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.

I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.

I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.

My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.

Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.

I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

I had a dream about you. We sold love like a couple of roadside lemonade-stand vendors. Your love was organic, and mine was made with yellow tennis balls.

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

I had a dream about you. We were going to change the world. But instead you changed your clothes and changed your mind about going to the bar, so I ended up crying on your...

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.