I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.

Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.

The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.

I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I...

Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.

I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.

If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

I only love her. I lonely love her.

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.

Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.

If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I’d use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so...

If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time...

Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get...

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking to conch shells, but he did listen to...

What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.

Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.

If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.

It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune selling to politicians.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

To know is good, but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknowledge the wisdom in this is the best.

Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.

Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.

Tempers are temporary, but hateful and hurtful words can be remembered forever. Leave a legacy of love and say only kind things.

Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex....

No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.

I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips,...

The Nike Swoosh looks like a crowbar used to pry apart tight wallets. In other words, it looks like a politician’s smile.

I walk with a purpose. And a limp. (The limp helps serve my purpose, which is to gain sympathy.)

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.

A half a hole is the same as a whole hole, no matter how much love you intend to bury. Love is a treasure, and to keep it safe you need to do as the...

Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

I got excited when I saw a midget, and then disappointed when I realized it was just a child. Those things are so common.

Her name is Shelen, and I think she probably has a brother named Helen. He is Helen, a male with a female’s name, but life could be worse. He could be a liar, a thief,...

Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

I want to give the gift of life—to myself, in the form of my clone. So I’ll be giving myself myself, and I’ll be grateful—and so will I.

The love between a man and an animal is a sacred thing. Well, at least it was, until the politicians started answering to the lobbyists and not the people.

A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).

What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)