I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

Love is an intense flickable mystery, like a booger.

He’s half blind because he’s in love.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

I love favors, because a favor is, instead of me doing something or paying you anything, why don’t you do it for me for free?

I’m 31 and she’s three decades younger. She’s like the mother I never had.

When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way...

I exact revenge with precision. I’m very exact.

She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always...

I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes around every two years.

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

During those hours, I had zero social awareness, as I was asleep. All the joggers who waved at me while I was walking can vouch for that.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love.

Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.

I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

Life is getting weirder by the minute. Would you like to buy 60 seconds? No? How about buy one 30 seconds, get one half-minute half off?

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink and a kiss combined. It’s like lust overload.

I make love like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so why don’t I show you?

It’s sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.

Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I’ll write it again.

The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I sober, asleep, and alone?

If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old material you can’t write new material, and you must remember all you’ve written...

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.

Don’t tell me to write your story. Write your own story. If you won’t write it down, it probably isn’t worth writing down—or reading.

Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.