I had a dream about you. You had a gun to my head, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense you were holding a needle to my temple, because I was Mr. Bubblegumhead. I just wanted...

Razorblades and Cyanide.” That should come as no surprise, as we have seven bridges from which to jump from.

She had no legs, so I made her wear suspenders and I carried her like a backpack. True love knows no luggage.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

I tried telling him without telling him, through body language, and I observed he was unobservant.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.

I don’t expect you to except me, but I do expect you to accept me.

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

I don’t sit on material like a sofa. I also don’t sit on material like a sofa. I’m a stand on the couch kind of writer.

Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen.

We fought, we drank coffee, and then we made up. Then I made up the part about us having made out, because I was trying to impress my ex girlfriend and grandma (two people, not...

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

Forget seeing the future. Most people can’t see the present until it’s in the past. Like me, all my I love yous match up with all my ex’s I loved yous.

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

Welcome to Unwelcome.

A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

I think now is the best time to be in love. No other time in history is more perfect than right now. Especially since I’m currently drinking coffee.

He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.

I wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat. That’s where I keep my fish tank. When you’re a farmer of love, you’ve always got pink kissers on your mind.

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.

I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

I folded my map in half and used it to make a sandwich. Then I dipped it in coffee and ate all of Europe and half of Russia.

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

Love is shapeless and colorless and tasteless and odorless. But so is God, so how can you believe in one and not the other?

Ask the police, and they’ll tell you I have a mug shot. They watched me take the picture before drinking the coffee out of the mug.

I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.

The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car and stole the bottle.

If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

I want to open a 24-hour store called Closed. It’s open, and it’s Closed.

Mouths are self-loathing and prejudiced, because one mouth will never talk to another mouth—it’ll only talk to two ears. Likewise, the hatred is so great that one mouth will never listen to another mouth, even...

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

Weeping willows always remind me of summer. And sadness. Please stop crying sweet tree.

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

I had a dream about you. I’ll bet you are a much better lover in real life, and I hope your prices aren’t as high as I imagined.

I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.

Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.

The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide.

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.