If I were a mad scientist, I’d use a brick in an angry way. And if I were a mad scientist, I’d use it in a diabolically clever way. Probably I’d use the brick, in...

Don’t drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.

To be in love is to be in two places at once. Zombies and Schrödinger’s cat are also in two places at once.

Blankets are covers, covering the sins of my fathers.

We made love like two sand dollars in a vending machine. She said she wanted marriage and kids, and I said all I wanted was a soda.

A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and you’ll see what I mean.

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

Love is two Tuesdays back to back, and I’m just a lonely Wednesday waiting on today.

A brick could be used in place of B. Rick, who is sorry he couldn’t make it to this sentence. But he assured me if this thought has a third sentence, he’ll definitely show up...

I couldn’t decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.

Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for her. #WCW

An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

I’ve been to 8 Mile. I condensed a half marathon into it.

There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine. Or it would be, if it weren’t an ebook.

The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are using are going to construct schools or prisons. They won’t tell, and you...

I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love?

Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or maybe three smiles and a frown, shared between two parents, their child, and...

Even if I worked in the corruption capital of the world, Washington DC, I wouldn’t be a whistleblower. I’m more into flutes.

The question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success is sacrifice.

My deceit is shaped like a STOP sign. It’s also bright red. If you don’t observe it, it can be quite dangerous.

The sun would be better than a flashlight, except it doesn’t work at night. It probably needs to recharge its batteries from running all day.

The house I grew up in is one of a kind. It’s a bibliophile’s fantasy, and if the Library of Congress had a little brother who was a midget, you could find him residing in...

I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a romantic, not an NSA employee.

I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don’t have much influence, as you could tell...

I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.

I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?

My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.

I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.

Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to death when he flew too close to a bright star, which ironically got...

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would die to save two more like them.

She has so much junk in her trunk. Boy, I wish she’d just drop it all off at Goodwill.

I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.

I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted it back from across the restaurant.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to one of the shortest questions and the question of all questions.

You may be dying, but I’m going to have a picnic and enjoy this glorious day. I won’t let your impending death spoil my afternoon.

50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going to come from? Mars. The thing I’m selling? Love. Supplies are unlimited, and...

A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as...

This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.

Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.

When I make love, I always wear protection. I wear mittens.

When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.

When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.

The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has more vision. Barely.

Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages locked at night.