steeples and ‘scrapers” of an inquisitive mind. The poems are at once syllogistic, hard-edged, satirical, reflective, and finally as playful as love notes. The true joy of this book is that we are deliciously engaged...

Welcome to Hell. Here’s your accordion.

For you, my darlings, freedom to do what you like is the discovery of how unlikable what you like to do makes you. Not that that stops you doing what you like, since you like...

On construction sites. Is that coffee ready?

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals.

Du weißt doch noch, die Leute beschweren sich immer beim Management, dass ihre Work-Life-Balance nicht mehr stimmt. Also, am nächsten Montag haben sie eine Personalversammlung zu diesem Thema angesetzt. Um acht Uhr früh.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

Lisa blamed Twilight, and the preconceived notions about men (especially dangerous men) that it tended to form in the impressionable adolescent mind.

hobos’ (a slang term that combines the words ‘hope’ and ‘bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse’)

More militerry, less skools.

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two...

Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish “shrek” mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.

Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple.

I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.””I don’t say homosexuality’s an abomination, Mr. President, the bible does.””Yes it does. Leviticus-“”18:22″”Chapter in verse. I wanted to ask you a couple questions while I had you...

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.

You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what’s happening on another planet, but not what’s going on inside the person next to you.

A question, doctor,” he said. “Why doesn’t the coyote take the money he spends on bird costumes and catapults and radioactive road runner food pellets and explosive missiles and simply go eat Chinese?” He smiled...

Tides are like politics. They come and go with a great deal of fuss and noise, but inevitably they leave the beach just as they found it. On those few occasions when major change does...

It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what ‘pledge’ and ‘allegiance’ mean.

Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

No one ever said you can’t have world dominance and a little romance too.

“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.”-“It was stupid.

From Olsen’s Nation: “Through the power of our diplomacy, a world that was once divided about how to deal with Iran’s nuclear program now stands as one. Standing as one, the world now sincerely regrets...

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed...

Some books are lies frae end to end,And some great lies were never penn’d…

Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Human contacts have been so highly valued in the past only because reading was not a common accomplishment and because books were scarce and difficult to reproduce…As reading becomes more and more habitual and widespread,...

Could I speak to you for a moment, madam?’ said Nannie to Agnes.It was at moments of crisis like this that Mary chiefly envied her Aunt Agnes’s imperturbable disposition. Most mothers feel a hideous sinking...

It was getting very clear then (and during this week Riseholme naturally thought of nothing else) that Lucia designed a longer residence in the garish metropolis than she had admitted. Since she chose to give...

Most men are not wicked… They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.

Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards along one wall. The bins were arranged diagonally and backed my mirrors that people accidentally punched when...

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.

So you’ve been gone a couple days,’ Alison said. ‘Hmm, what’d you miss…A celebrity did drugs. Politicians disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sporting event,...

Because I want to have sex with him–and because that’s sinful–I’m blushing and flushing furiously under his scrutinizing scrutiny.

Don’t pinch that guy’s ass. He’s a leprechaun.

Miss New Mexico stared, dumbfounded. “Stand out? Stand out? I have a freaking tray stuck in my forehead!” She broke into fresh sobs.Taylor clapped for attention. “Miss New Mexico, let’s not get all down in...

Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so...

What have you got in there you little bastard?

How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let’s just carry it over. It’ll...

People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a...

Maud: Young women are never happy.Betty: Mother, what a thing to say.Maud: Then when they’re older they look back and see that comparatively speaking they were ecstatic.

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I...

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So...

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Invisible things are the only realities.

This work was strictly voluntary, but any animal who absented himself from it would have his rations reduced by half.

Going into the Republican Party National Convention, in all objective truth, our non‑winning front‑runners are the sorriest collection of stuffed shirts, empty suits, self‑gratulatory ignorami, and outright wig‑flipped ding‑dongs in the history of the Republic.

After riding like a moron all over the place, observes the face of an Indian when he crashes. He is stunned.