You didn’t make her sue you, even if you did punch her at that wedding.

He thinks you were trapped in a tree in the 1920s. How is that not crazy?

A leprechaun did not just kill off my car in a hailstorm.

I’ve worked with freshmen that were easier than this.

Grabbing someone’s ass doesn’t count as capturing them!

Elvis is in the kitchen and he’s making eggs Benedict!

She caught you. Therefore she gets your treasure.

Elvis is the soul of discretion.

Don’t pinch that guy’s ass. He’s a leprechaun.

Maybe you’re worried that I won’t seduce you?

It was never just about the money.

You pretty much have to take the job since you hit him with the car.

My inner bitch could handle this peon without even breaking a sweat.

This was going to be worse than the time I table danced in the diner in high school!

Turns out there’s a reason smoking is not allowed on construction sites.

No one ever said you can’t have world dominance and a little romance too.

I missed the good old days when phones were sturdy enough to be pounded for emphasis.

This house has enough nooks and crannies for English muffins.

Are you trying to seduce me or trick me?

You tell me the dead are coming through a crack in my barn, but I shouldn’t worry?

I am not going to ask that old man if his family home is haunted!

Everything you’re telling me was just a story, and now it’s real.

There’s no way to stand up gracefully when your pants are down around your ankles.

I knew I would lose my job when I accidentally set fire to my best friend’s house.

Oh, you’re hardly one to talk. Look where ogling a man got you.

Banks frown when employees torch the home of their principal account holder.