I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl’s shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction.” At least not in the parts I’d skimmed.

It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty of half full. Just drink it while everyone is arguing about it and be thankful you had a glass with something in it!

If your career doesn’t work out, write a book about it.

You couldn’t find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad.

Oh no, Nick” Jaime said in tones of supremely unconvincing shock, “how could you? When my back was turned for one momement. And my food was so delicious.

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, “That’d better be your gun.” “Why yes, I always pack my gun where it’ll blow my balls off.”[Landon]

I’ve never had sex with Benicio Del Toro in a lift. It was a sarcastic quote that I unfortunately gave to a journalist. I said: ‘Apparently, Benicio Del Toro and I had sex in an...

I’m good. And it’s good to see you’ve kept up the tradition of getting the holy shit beat out of you,even when you’re in a nice, civilized place.

When all else fails…try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn’t work…have another.

Does the mind come with beign human, or is it just a bonus some have?!

This is where you all live?” Asked John as they ascended the stairs. “It’s small.””This is just our Thanksgiving house,” Scott muttered. “We have a house for every day of the year.

That seems like stealing, doesn’t it?” Simon pulled a cup toward him. He drew the lid back. “Ooh. Mochaccino.” He looked at Magnus. “Did you pay for these?””Sure,” said Magnus, while Jace and Alec snickered....

The rich and large corporations get richer, the CEOs earn huge compensation packages, and when things get bad, don’t worry; Uncle Sam and the American taxpayers are here to bail you out. But when you...

Well, I think Leo’s either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity– or go nuts and kill us all.” -Crash

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Of course. I died today, and now I’m going to fight aliens with a light saber. Maybe after that we can look for mermaids. Or unicorns.””No,” he says. “Just aliens.”Was that the barest hint of...

Whatever doesn’t kill them, makes them make reality TV shows…

No. I’ve just been pretending to use my left hand my entire life because I enjoy never being able to work scissors properly.

You’re right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I...

Sometimes, I think, that in the mornings when you first wake up, every thing that happened in the previous day rushes through our mind so fast, we, A: Don’t realize it. B: Become more tired,...

Abby wouldn’t want you to suffer because of some jerk that kidnapped her. She would want you to go on your trip so that she would have fun torturing you for not being a puddle...

How many kids are in the Graveyard?””A bunch.””Who sends your supplies?””George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.””How often do you receive new arrivals?””About as often as you beat your wife.

You are in good shape for a dead man.

I was dead, and I hadn’t even been able to attend my own funeral.

What if,” replied Inspector Fry in the same maddeningly curteous tone, “we were all to construct daisy chains and drape them so as to shield the words from public view?

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

You’ve missed a lot of things. But mostly I think you’ve missed several opportunities to leave. Let me assist you to the door so that you won’t miss this next one.

Sometimes when I have the feeling like I’m almost crying, it can turn into an almost-laughing feeling.

You’re just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don’t think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at...

Sarcasm is wasted on those who haven’t had a decent night’s sleep, my darling.

[about a hat] You can put it on and say, “Hey you, person without a hat! I’ve got something you don’t! How did I get it? Probably by being worth more to society.

I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.

My other hand?’ Lopen said. ‘The one that was cut off long ago, eaten by a fearsome beast? It is making a rude gesture toward you right now. I thought you would want to know,...

Have you noticed we can breathe in here too?Gosh, I wouldn’t have picked up on that.

Yeah you can have a word,” said Harry savagely. “Good-bye.

I certainly don’t like the idea of missionaries. In fact, the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don’t believe in God, or at least not in the one we’ve invented for ourselves...

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It’s good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.

I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

He paused at the bedroom door, shut his eyes, took a deep breath, and walked right out like it was any other morning, and he and Jack would be having breakfast as if they hadn’t...

…even though I was getting better education at home than any of the kids in Toyah, I’d need to go to finishing school when I was thirteen, both to acquire social graces and to earn...

Baptists don’t spend their time thinking about reality.

It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.

Your cell phone is on the nightstand. Call me immediately if something changes. I don’t care if you are merely dizzy or if you start seeing pink dragons, do you understand?” I solemnly swear I...

She’d met Colin on a Monday.She’d kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.

Who cares even if I didn’t?!” Conor shouted back. “They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!”The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words...

También le he visto a usted. Ozzera. Crispin. ,Verdad?Christian-corrigió Lissa