No ruby slippers here, just a lot of supernatural jackassess.

Just so you know, I hate camping. I’m not so much appreciating the fact that there’s no bathroom out here. ‘Nature calls’ while walking in nature is on my list of least favorite things. You...

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs....

Kiss my ass Rath Roiben Rye

Is that-am I looking at her beaver?”Mid-swig, I choke on the mouthful of beer, sputtering and coughing. After I recover, I ask jokingly, “‘Beaver’? Are you Canadian or something?

And there you sit, gloating over what you have done, as if you were a martyr or a public benefactor — as complacent and smug and misunderstood as a princess from the moon forced to...

Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.

Alexandra, my eldest, here, plays the piano, or reads or sews; Adelaida paints landscapes and portraits (but never finishes any); and Aglaya sits and does nothing. I don’t work too much, either.

You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey.””Karl, we’re not fourteen!””Don’t bloody care. I was in love with you when I was fourteen — your neck owes me a hickey.”(Karl &...

Wakey wakey eggs and bacey!

Pray, what’s the nature of his trouble?” Prudence asked solicitously.”Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from whom he has expectations has rallied, and they say she’ll last another ten years....

Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard’s seed worth changes everything.

Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else – not as fragile as we think they are.

Diesel sucked air. “You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.””I’m not fondling you. I’m looking for the keys!””Could you look a little more gently? You’re scaring my boys.

I’m not much for screaming or yelling. Sometimes I use humor, sometimes I get real blunt. I’m probably not the easiest person to play for.

Billy squinted at me. “Why are you letting them go?””Because they’re real.””How do you know?””The one I was holding crapped on my hand.

Especially your teammates.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: “Marshawn Lynch” Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can’t be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a...

Wisdom of the Ages “US News Media” If the devil is the father of all lies, isn’t the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is because small girls and babysitters, who are usually slightly larger girls, belong to...

When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a woman.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

One thing I’d realized in the last year was that there were some things no one could give you permission to do. All the same, it didn’t mean you couldn’t or shouldn’t do them— particularly...

The “word” did not “offer itself” in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, any more than Caesar’s heralds would have said, “If you’d like a new kind of imperial experience, you might like to try giving allegiance to...

That’s part of what makes us so great, Luce. I’m crazy. You’re crazy. Together, we make our own brand of crazy.

You’re going to have a watermelon come out of your flap-jack and that shit will never be the same. Never. – Madison

I may not be perfect, but God knows I’m trying . . . and God knowing should count for something.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

Day blame ornery youngins.

Every so often an author comes along and changes the world. I am not that author!

I used to wonder what I was doing wrong. Now I know: just about everything.

Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!

The South: Three-wheeled Piggly Wiggly shopping carts, grease-caked engine blocks, baby strollers with shredded black hoods, Soviet rocket parts, human skulls on spikes and orange-eyed Rottweilers on heavy chains breathing fire…

If the ties that bind ever do come looseIf forever ever ends for youIf that ring gets a little too tightYou might as well read me my last rights.

When someone says “just saying” what they really mean is, “You would be a colossal idiot to not take my advice.” (on Facebook)

Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism.

Uh…no.

It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn’t think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of...

Feeling old? Remember, you will never again be as young as your are today.

Although I wouldn’t mind handcuffing you.”Oh. My. God.

First we crawl. Later we crawl on broken glass.

Do we have a hand mirror?’ I asked from the kitchen doorway.’Never use one,’ said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.’Naturally, you’re a male. What you see is what you’ve got,’...

People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people.

Karma: I know I’ve seen this man someplace before.Artie (as McGuffey): Considering some of the places I frequent lady that’s a comprising remark!Wild Wild West TV Season 1Night of the Flaming Ghost

I recalled thinking…His freakishly tidy side could be a problem. To say that neatness was not my strong suit would be a crime against, well, the truth.

The only unreachable dream is the one you don’t reach for.

Put it on your forehead and you’ll feel better in no time!

I’m used to desperate, buddy. Desperate’s my factory default. But thanks anyway.

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.