Ourchestra:So you haven’t got a drum, just beat your belly.So I haven’t got a horn-I’ll play my nose.So we haven’t any cymbals-We’ll just slap our hands together,And though there may be orchestrasThat sound a little...

Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why...

I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.

One: Don’t play leapfrog with elephants.Two: Don’t pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging.Three: Never, ever, mess with the Ladies Auxiliary.-Mayberry Rules for a Long, Happy Life

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin “Tubby” Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his...

I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up to the love of my youth.

I’m friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I’m 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

I don’t run errands. Usually I jog.

A fat cow needs a big barn.

If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.

I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with...

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law.

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It’s far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don’t ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: “Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into people.

Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.

Well finish your story anyway.”Where was I?”The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses.”Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to...

I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

We’re going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.

He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend...

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

I found a bra in a bar. Guess when? Anagram Night! It’s the one day of the year that’s truly for lovers. It’s also for a solver.

An autobiography is inherently incomplete unless the last page is written on the eve of the author’s demise.

I confronted the fact that I was not only talking to a dog, but answering for one.

The slang for the rectum is “prison wallet”.

I sleep around. I sleep around my cat, who sleeps like a boulder in the middle of the bed and refuses to move.

We stared at the odd garment and wondered what it was for. ‘What is it?’ asked Larry at length. ‘It’s a bathing costume, of course,’ said Mother. ‘What on earth did you think it was?’...

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me,...

If you’re doing it right, love takes everything you’ve got—just like a politician.

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, ‘She’s on her way– tell everyone.’ It took me only three seconds to wind through the...

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.

Humanity was a passing notion to him; something he liked to try on for size and model in the dressing room, but never actually felt compelled to buy.

Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.

I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?

Do not share your thoughts with people who think that what you are thinking is not worth thinking.

We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong.

I’m sad that I’m leaving, but I’m happy that I’m going. The thing is, I am in love, and I’m going to be in love—but there are two people, two places, and one destination—in love.

I don’t care if some monkey is rippin’ your eyeballs out with rusty nails! YOU STARE UP FRONT AT ATTENTION! RIGHT THERE! IS THAT CLEAR!

I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I’ve been struck by horny lightning.

the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!

I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!