Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.

I can see that.

The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you have somebody they just HAVE to meet.

If I could make it better I would,” he says. In some ways it’s a stupid, obvious thing to say, but the way he said it, so honest and simple like it’s the truest thing...

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil’ Demons lunch box. I left him alive – partly because he had a cool lunch box…

Do you remember what I forgot?

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

Our time together was a blur—not because I was drunk, which I was, but because our love was like the beating of a hummingbird’s wings.

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

June cackled with delight, muttering, “Whoops!” as a car almost killed them.

The slow-witted one that’s been following you? I thought hewas your servant.

Nothing mitigates the throes of depression like a steaming plate of spaghetti and meatballs with marinara sauce and grated parmasan cheese, with a good fresh bread to wipe up.

He’s doing you know what!

So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.

And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It’s good for you.

Without a sense of humor, you don’t have much sense at all.

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Brains were no good to a working man; they only made him discontented and saucy and lose his jobs. She’d seen it happen again and again.

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane.

A man’s love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

She stole my heart, so I stole it back—plus some other items of value.

Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

is that Rike can’t make an omelet without wading thigh deep in the blood of chickens and wearing their entrails as a necklace.

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

Accept the fact that girls squeal when they’re happy or confused or excited or scared or because they just saw a certain boy in line.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

Get out of your mind and become crazy about your future in a creative way!

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I’m the woman for him?~ Susan

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

Oh shit, the mummy’s after us, let’s all walk a little faster

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t...

Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination–until after it’s run through...

Ah, Proph.” Tom paused. “You did have a nightmare last night.””And here I thought maybe I dreamed it,” Prophet muttered sarcastically.

An artist is identical with an anarchist,’ he cried. ‘You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment...

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?