You know what people are doing on the other side of the world, what’s happening on another planet, but not what’s going on inside the person next to you.

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.

What I’m expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.

How about “diamonds are a girl’s best friends”? Nope. It should be switched around and pointed out, instead, that your best friends are diamonds.

I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.

Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.

Love has an enormous spectrum of expression and impact. At the far end, it begins to unravel and move away from subjective experience and personal preference. It becomes pure intent, something that no longer tickles...

In the English language, it all comes down to this: Twenty-six letters, when combined correctly, can create magic. Twenty -six letters form the foundation of a free, informed society.

We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell my clone where I am so he doesn’t go file a missing person’s...

It wasn’t because you weren’t beautiful, talented, funny, creative or had everything in common. It was because some men prefer plain vanilla ice cream. It’s predictable and a safe choice. Confident and adventurous men prefer...

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye,” Ferbus said too loudly. “Then it’s one-eyed fun.

A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate...

Detective, any warm-blooded male with a pulse would have his hand on your glorious ass. May I?””Knock yourself out.”His fingertips sketched over that tight sheen of Lycra before cupping a taut globe for a squeeze....

What’s that supposed to mean? A wolf’s head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?

If you’re not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them.

I wish I listened through my urethra, because imagine how euphoric and orgasmic music would be. One love song might get you pregnant.

I don’t know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers. They spend all day thinking of the perfect plot on how to kill...

Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they’re so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.

I would crack a smile, but I don’t like breaking things.

Better days are coming! They’re called Saturday and Sunday.

To insult someone we call him ‘bestial’. For deliberate cruelty and nature, ‘human’ might be the greater insult.

Doakes had a first name! It was Albert – had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name was Sergeant.

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

One popular saying was, “The boy who goes into medicine is too lazy for farm or shop, too stupid for the Bar, and too immoral for the pulpit.

I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts for the winter. But that’s just the kind of thoughtful guy I am.

Lamlah tidak mau jadi anak laja, Lamlah anak bapak dan anak mak,”jawab budak yang belum mengenal kemuliaan dunia itu.Ala, bodoh si Malah ini, tidak mau jadi anak raja?” kata si Saminmencampuri percakapan itu. “Anak raja...

There was something ghost-like and insubstantial about gases to these early chemists. They called liquids that turned into gases easily, “spirits.” Methyl alcohol, they called “wood spirit”; ethyl alcohol, “wine spirit.” Even today, alcoholic beverages...

I can’t even make up a rhyme about an umbrella, let alone death and life and eternal peace.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.

Dear Ford,I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door.It’s a passenger-side door, and...

The last time I checked,I didn’t have any special talent,thought Kara.Can I paint a demon to death?Drown it in some gouache?

If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going...

Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did he have to stand so close, and why did I still love him so much?

I peel cats like I pet oranges. And I often snuggle with watermelons, sometimes with the intent of making love.

He had a prince’s looks but a pirate’s eyes.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

Humor relieves the tension between what we see or desire but repress in order to sustain a survivable illusion about the world we live in. As such it’s always potent stuff, and dangerous.

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

She seemed to be a nice person, too, instead of a homicidal bitch like his former wife. Otherwise, the world should fear. When Mencheres fell for a woman, he fell hard. If Kira asked for...

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”All the time.

He lies on the couch all day watching television. I admire his classic American ambition. He’s probably a better lover than me.

But money spent while manic doesn’t fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you’re given excellent reason to be even more so.

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you’re saying?

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about,” said the voice of Maurice. “They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.