Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it’s honey. In fact, I may not...

She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.

I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.

Instead of hopping around like a wild in’jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot”.

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered...

As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I’d keep the...

Love means more to me than you’ll ever know. Well, unless the person reading this is my clone. But then my question is: what are you doing reading? Get back to work, slave, and make...

I can tell you I’ve crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.

For a shadow, you hit like a sledgehammer!” The words barely escape before something else slams into the base of my skull embedding most of my upper body in the wall and all but removing...

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you’re not visiting wineries in four days because you’re an oenophile, you’re doing it because you’re a drunk. It’s the only place in America...

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

I’m only saying what you won’t. He’s a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it’s been three weeks since you...

Could we wear spandex and blow things up?

Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, “If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!”?’ –LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!’ –Ed

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too....

Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. – Jace

There’s a very generous donation in the parish’s future if you make this fast. Ten minutes, at the most.”Frowning, the man fumbled open his liturgy. “There’s an established rite, Your Grace. Marriage must be entered...

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

The Evasive Cartwheel ™ © etc., Bartimaeus of Uruk, circa. 2800 B.C.E. Often imitated, never surpassed. As famously memorialized in the New Kingdom tomb paintings of Ramses III— you can just see me in the...

I’m a great dancer, and you can tell because I need to wear a football helmet when I’m feeling the rhythm. It’s not only for my safety, but also that of the safety covering my...

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.

He’d changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped...

And seriously? No hands and knees. On his back, and go easy on the shoulder. Nothing strenuous—like the doc said, go easy.

urgent” could mean anything from the need to raise money for lame goats to singing at the top of a living Christmas tree.

Is that a trick question?

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ‘successful.

Sharks are so sleek and streamlined. I’d make a terrible shark, because my balls are so big and dangly.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written...

Senior Republicans certainly expected the president to come clean over Miss Lewinsky.

What’s it like?””Death? It’s like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

You’re apologizing? Seriously, what happened to you? Have you been taken over by a pod person?

Yes, you need a passport to prove to the world that you exist. The people at passport control, they cannot look at you and see you are a person. No! They have to look at...

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

Otrera stayed dead the second time,” Kinzie said, batting her eyes. “We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend…well, I think you’d look great in an iron collar and...

Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is...

What’s up?” I asked.You tell me,” he said. “You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.”It was an experiment,” I said. “It was part of my therapy.”What the hell kind of...

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

So if you want to keep me around, I expect more tweed.

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

Humor was a good way to hide the pain.

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

I just rely on natural talent,” said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon’s Lair. “When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much.

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover, just before I hit on them.

[Looking like a straight girl] means wearing clothes that seek and destroy comfort. These are garments designed by gay men to attract heterosexual men. The straight girl is simply the hanger for an inside joke.