There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

When you meet me, the first thing you’ll notice is I have a firm handshake. The second thing you’ll notice is that I’m wearing oven mitts. I like my introductions hot, like my iced coffee.

Lord of the Muck.

Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter’s forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. “Wake. Up,” Four snaps....

it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’.

I had a dream about you. You had hair like dandelion blowball, and I was one hurricane sneeze away from making you bald. You may have been in danger of losing your hair, but at...

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

Writer’s Block is just an excuse by people who don’t write for not writing.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay.

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.

The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze.

To not wear anything, and to wear nothing, are not the same.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the...

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does.

An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one – black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in...

You’re amazing,” she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. “You too.””How? All I do is let you play me like a piano.”He chuckled. “You’ve got a great keyboard.

I want to get even. I want to get even more money.

Dog spelled backwards is God. NOC spelled backwards is NOC.

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

Not entirely fair?” His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. “I am Satan,...

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush...

The End of the Raven”On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slantingI awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found...

Never tell a warm-up joke before giving an intelligence briefing – just start the briefing so you can get straight to the really big laughs.

What we have here is a war—the war of matter and spirit. In the classical era, spirit was in harmony with matter. Matter used to condense spirit. What was unseen—the ghost of Hamlet’s father—was seen—in...

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of...

…the Puritans compressed whatever mirth and public joy they deemed allowable to human infirmity; thereby so far dispelling the customary cloud, that, for the space of a single holiday, they appeared scarcely more grave than...

Genua had once controlled the rivermouth and taxed its traffic in a way that couldn’t be called piracybecause it was done by the city government, and therefore sound economicsand perfectly all right

If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)

Sweet memories of youth. Swimming down at the swimming hole. Going fishing down at the fishing hole. Having sex down at the sex hole.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

Desjani pulled out a ration bar. ‘Hungry?’ she asked Geary.’I had something earlier. Is that a Yanika Babiya?”No. It’s . . .’ She squinted at the label. ‘Spicy chicken curry.”A chicken curry ration bar? How...

Wisdom of the Ages: “Government” Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

I heard this story once,” she said, “where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin’ stuff about the universe and everythin’ from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and...

Earn your money, and earn my love. Just like money, sometimes you have to spend love to make love.

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

He wasn’t my type — my type was more the skinny hipster boys in girl jeans and thick glasses, a.k.a. the first ones to go during the outbreak — but the sight still had me...

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

If your kids are the generation Y there are only two things you parents are worried about..What your daughters are uploading on the internet and what your sons are downloading from the internet

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did.”She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but...

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. … I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don’t...

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.