No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know!” the man yelled. “Really?” said Vimes. “What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?””What?””Oh, you’d like something simpler?

I am the Chosen One. I know, because I chose myself, myself. But to be fair, it’s not like there was another choice. It was either to be me, or not to be. And I...

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without...

It’s probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he’s absolutely lethal.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

…food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.

Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that...

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

There is no future. You’ll see.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

There are more than enoughto fight and oppose;why waste good timefighting the people you like?

Damn it! It was a stupid plan!” Uri swung an arm around behind himself and his bag being the nearest object in reach, swung it across the room with as much force as he could...

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

When I hear that people live by the book, I always wonder which one.

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

Humor and paradox are often the only ways to respond to life’s sorrow with grace.

Sometimes people are often confused between attitude and style. Nevermind, I’m Awesome.

If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.

To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.

Malachi scowled. “I don’t remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.””They didn’t,” Magnus said. “Your wards are down.””Really?” the Consul’s voice dripped sarcasm. “I hadn’t noticed.”Magnus looked concerned. “That’s terrible. Someone...

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Rainier” A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be...

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

I’ll wear a fork on my head, and if anybody wants a job, they can eat salad off my scalp.

It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

But-” Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at – and stared.Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him...

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!

There is no point in poverty if it does not make a rich man, observing it, feel better.

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my...

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

By the Angel,” Jace said, looking the demon up and down. “I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell.”Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside...

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my...

You’ll be bereft without me.

You think I’d cheat on you?” I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.”With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables… There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of...

A road that’s narrower than the width of my car’s wheels could only be lover’s lane. Hitchhikers make the best lovers.

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown.” Jace said. “Brown?” said Isabelle.”Yes. Brown. It’s a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it.”...

It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it’s smarter to get ordered to do it.

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp…this is one of those moments.

Whether you think you’re right or you think you’re wrong. You’re right.””If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint.

There’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork, greatest of Discworld cities.At least, there’s a saying that there’s a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.And it’s wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork,...