Do I need to fire the little prat yet?” Liza Van der Bruggenziltch-Finch.

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . ....

I’m Crusty,” he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

Just as I had long suspected, a person didn’t really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.

They mean hot like ‘I’m too good for you I got my own money don’t be frontin’ me.’ You’re more like ‘Be my boyfriend I’ll make you cookies come meet my dad ‘ know what...

To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

This damn ring had derailed her life. No wonder Gollum had gone insane.

Come on.

The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.

Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing.

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts...

The king died, and then the queen died of a broken heart. Her secret lover left her for a younger woman.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane

With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

And no chick fucking either, unless we both agree to it, of course.” Turner pauses and scowls. “Though I can’t imagine sharing you with anyone. Makes me fucking sick to my stomach.

It’s kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

A car crash could be considered art, and I’d like to install one in a museum. Helmets would be sold at the admission booth.

Nothing spices up one’s sex life like having a partner.

norris didn’t cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to...

We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him.

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren’t brains, you know.

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, “Don’t even think about it.” A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons...

Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and...

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?” the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. “Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

Lucy: I don’t understand men.Nettie: What is there to understand? If you feed ’em regular-like and give ’em a bit of ‘sugar’ now and then, they’re easy enough. And if they don’t behave, you just...

I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.

Now, public libraries are most admirable institutions, but they have one irritating custom. They want their books back.

Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ – one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn’t a woman alive who could go from point...

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

What you see is what you see

Still talking here!

I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians.

You piss me off you Salmon… You’re too expensive in restaurants.

You can spread jelly on the peanut butter but you can’t spread peanut butter on the jelly.

I suppose he’s a bit young,” he said.

I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved you and you returned it. However, at white,...

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

I like that: a little pressure on the understood boundaries of yourself. Sounded like something out of a self-awareness class, probably with yoga. See what kind of a pretzel you can tie yourself into and...

The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.[Pippin, The Two Towers]

If you’re like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled...

Dolphins and sharks are natural enemies. Dolphins are like, “Quit eating us,” and sharks are like, “Stop smiling all the time, you morons.

The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species.

[…] for the philosophy of Square rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmly smoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when he apprehended some danger of having it...