The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled,...

I know, I know. I was there, remember?” I love my husband, but he’s such an Aquarian. Ask him the time, and he’ll tell you how to make the watch.

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a...

Not only did I not win the sweepstakes, but I didn’t even bother to enter. I feel discriminated against.

Erik Satie died on July 1, 1925; his last words were ‘Ah, the cows…

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.

Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not?” Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending...

They don’t make morgues with windows. In fact, if the geography allows for it, they hardly ever make morgues above the ground. I guess it’s partly because it must be eisier to refrigerate a bunch...

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Normal….What the majority of people look, act, and talk and like.So what if the majority became what we see as wierd now?Would our normal, become our new wierd?

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

The trick is not appearing to be so.

Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of the first date. Especially if you’re dating a vampire.

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

You couldn’t spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus.

If you tell people you talk to God, they’ll think you’re religious, but if you say God talks to you, it’s ten to one they’ll think you’re crazy.

He has a very nice face and style, really,” said Mrs. Kenwigs.”He certainly has,” added Miss Petowker. “There’s something in his appearance quite–dear, dear, what’s the word again?””What word?” inquired Mr. Lillyvick.”Why–dear me, how stupid...

I loved her like I needed her. I soaked her up like a soup bowl made of bread. I’m hungry for her even as I write this now. Somebody get me a spoon!

The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young...

I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be confused with being asleep.

if you’re going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn’t it.

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

A whizzpopper!” cried the BFG, beaming at her. “Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that...

I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.

I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so scratchy that this morning my throat is sore.

I’m amazing and studly, but I have limits.

Okay, then, what was he like? Just give me something to go on so that I have a shot at him!”A shot at him? Are you on an elk hunt?

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who’s been up too late.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

When a man is on the road to power he buys everyone a drink. Once elected he tries to close the saloons.

I told her I loved her, knowing she’d tell her I loved her and I wouldn’t have to tell her first face to face to see her reaction and feel rejection.

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

Don’t you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That’s why they’re so smart. Their brains had longer to develop.

So if I speak to you, Tutor Olana, will you get the lashes?

Obelmäker is eating at his desk, a habit both Baumauer and Pissec find repulsive.

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

Most guys confuse lust and love. I am in sex with you.

I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re the last person in the world I’d ever imagine marrying again after ol’ Mr. Flaccid Flagpole.

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

people don’t get meit’s more rule than exceptionGod bless exceptions

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

If a man can’t love you for who you are, he’s not worth The Dior Gloss.

Escaping goblins to be caught by wolves!

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.’The first one. I really resent being called the second.