Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Do your kids a favor – don’t have any.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Spring is God’s way of saying, ‘One more time!’

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it’s filled with wisdom. Sometimes it’s filled with feet.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success.

Never raise your hand to your children ”° it leaves your midsection unprotected

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it — after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they’d bust it to Corporal!

There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.

If you can laugh together, you can work together

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.

A compliment is verbal sunshine

Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace

The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they’d tip.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.