The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a comfy bed, and a toothbrush sharpened into a shank.

The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.

I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.

I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get...

I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub, which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.

Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

I drew a portrait of an invisible man on a nice canvas, because that’s all you see. Oh, and I used a nice frame. I think that’s important. I believe the best art uses the...

Love me for me, not for how much I resemble my clones, or how handsome they are, or how brilliant they are, or how much you want to have sex with all of them, at...

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.

By challenging the notion of what art is, Duchamp became a great artist. Also, Duchamp was a champion of Men’s Bathroom Attendants everywhere.

It’s a lie. There isn’t safety in numbers. But there is safety in letters. There are only 26 letters, and yet they are more powerful than an army of infinite men. Show me a man...

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.

I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there...

Winter and spring blended together this year like ice in water, and I was left thirsting for love. I’d better lay off the saltine crackers.

We made love like two Inuits make love like two popsicles, and then we went back to our cold lives. That was the best summer of my night.

I had a dream about you. You had a wheelchair and I had a wheelbarrow, and together we made love the way the Panama Canal should have been made. We dredged up a lot of...

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.

My Love Machine is tough. It’s built like a tank. At night I’m romantic and so Sun Tzu I’m Moon Tzu. Come, let me make you howl.

I had a dream about you. The stars in the constellations lined up, the portals between the heavens were opened, and you were looking for a blood sacrifice to make the trip. And I was...

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at...

If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.

Trying to remember dreams is like trying to catch fog in a fishing net. The best time of day to catch something is night.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?

Reading isn’t quite loud, but it’s quiet and loud—quiet on the outside, loud on the inside. Sort of like a mime orgy.

yes” in eyes. Except when I blink. Blinking is definitely a no action.

I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car. (Best not to park it in your kitchen).

Women always want to look younger, and I always want to look older, so I could look like Pliny the Younger. As a lover, that would give me the best of both worlds.

On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

The reason I rob nursing homes is because the residents in nurseries don’t have any wealth yet to steal. How can I steal from babies? What do you think I am, a Central Banker?

A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

We have no secrets from each other, though sometimes I wish some things were more hidden. What’s more transparent than invisible?

I won’t be lulled by the lullaby, when what waits after is eternal sleep.

Stop talking to me!” An I love you disguised as “Stairway to Heaven” isn’t more romantic. Not unless you’re Helen Keller and I’m a slinky.

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.