Our love meant the world to me. Well, certainly a globe at least.

There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then make up later.

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

We Do.” My tagline will be: We at We Do do what we do so you don’t have to.

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

I had a dream about you. We were discussing trade routes and power supply logistics when all of the sudden we realized that a dragon could provide both transportation and a fiery energy source. So...

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.

I write sappy love poetry. Mostly about bleeding trees.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.

If the word “committee” were an acronym, the two “T”s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Just because your plate is empty, doesn’t mean your stomach is full. Same with love. Where’s the Romance Buffet?

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti’s not too hot now, if you want to eat it.

If you already knew, why did you ask?

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where...

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet’s toga.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

If I were a shovel salesman, my biggest customers would be murderers. Oh, and spurned lovers trying to bury the past.

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...

When you give everything and expect nothing in return, only then will you be in a position to gain anything. When you love loving, you give because giving is getting. Giving is a gift unto...

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to...

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An...

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?