Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Hate.

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

After work, to unwind, I stand in the yard and act like a windmill. Plus, I never know when love will blow my way.

I had a dream about you. We were checking in to a haunted hotel, and you said you forgot your toothbrush. I told you my left pants pocket was empty if you wanted to clean...

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?

I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage.

I think I’ll help myself to seconds.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

We made love like two tuna fish flying to Mars to eat blue pickles. Then I woke up and went back to work, fishing for aquamarine vinegarized cucumbers found in aquatic conditions.

My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.

Love is like a summer rainstorm in winter. Where I’m from that’s called romance. Where you’re from that may be called snow.

Apple juice looks so much like urine that the only way to tell them apart is to remember that I keep my pee in the fridge, and the apple juice in the toilet. Help yourself...

A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

I’m walking downstairs and upstairs at the same time. I’m in love.

I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.

While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.

It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

I’m ready for Betty if Debbie calls. I’ve got two Susans worth of excitement saved up in my pockets, and my grandma pants couldn’t be tighter.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.

It was more like a movie. Everyone was wearing black, gray, or white except for her. She was in a red dress, and like a herd of bulls, the crowd was angry and made charges...

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

A brand is built action by action, just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand homeless?

Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

I seduce women by making women feel like they are seducing me. And I allow them to pay for that privilege. And as we all know, you value what you pay for more than what...

Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.

I’ve got the ego of a giant midget. Yes, it’s just that small.

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.

The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

I love you like bananas—bunches. Monkeys also love bananas. I’m growing a tree in honor of honor, and I think we should hang out.

In times of flattery, the only sin is sincerity.

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan that looks like green hard candy pieces, about the size of Smarties, and...

I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.

I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every pore on my body is dry.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

The Rockies are the backbone of this country. And I’m no doctor, but I think we have scoliosis.

The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.

I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.