I am an eater of water. I mean drinker. My love comes in a package that includes a straw/spoon.

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).

I like to bunch words together to form new words, like “off” and “ice” to form “office.” But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office...

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

Love rules the world. Like a tyrant.

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

You can’t be extinct if people aren’t even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don’t know.

I love you like my soul is not the moon. It’s brighter—and bigger.

Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.

I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.

Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through the window to get them.

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

Like a boxer on a treadmill, I hit the ground running. It was my first time being in love, and if enthusiasm were a sport, I’d have been sponsored by Nike. Or Adidas, whichever offered...

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.

My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.

A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make a better first name?

I gathered my courage like nuts and berries, I cautiously approached her, I waited for her to turn her head, and then I sprinkled them in her yogurt. Sometimes you just have to take a...

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.

A brick could be used as a comb, if you’re bald and have no hair.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup....

A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway.

I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.

I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.

I fell in love with her that day. I realized it when someone told me it was Tuesday.

Weerd is a weird way to write weird, but seemingly more normal than weird. Also, hate is a weird way to write love.

I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.

He graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.

In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?

He was dashing. He wasn’t handsome—he was running.

I tie my smile like a shoelace.

I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that women like that I’m like that.

A tree has leaves like man has hair. Some men go winter in the summer, and other men, like me, like skiing on skin.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

I can’t work well when I am under stress. It reduces me to normalcy. Stress is my kryptonite. And I usually don’t change in phone booths, though I do take long distance showers there.

Seeing that the pizza slice came to a point, I picked it up and tried to stab my attacker with it. When you’re in love, you’ll do whatever is necessary to protect that person from...

That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.