A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

I had a dream about you. I had an erection the size of your nose, though I could breathe through mine while yours was congested. The air smelled like pee to me.

I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

Flowers, fragrance, and freedom make me think of her. Love turns the opposite inside out.

I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.

It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.

With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing out a careless I love you, try tossing a brick at them instead.

Sometimes my thoughts are too slimy for my brain, and they come shooting out of my penis. They are life-changing thoughts, so I’d recommend taking them deep inside of you.

I want to be asexual, because then I could be more productive. But not reproductive.

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

I did a face plant. Ivy was her name.

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I want to take all the pain of humanity, ball it up into a compressed, black 16-pound sphere, add three holes in a triangular formation to it, and use it to bowl a strike.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

We made love like two shy people who acted like we’ve never acted in front of a camera before. Aside from the lead actor, I was also the producer, director, cameraman, and financier.

The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

I sell sex by the coffee cup. I don’t go by small, medium, or large, I go by deep, deeper, and deepest.

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, “Avoid contact with eyes. In case of eye contact, flush with water.” and I thought,...

Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a...

A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or anger. No, that man probably feels normal.

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.