We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down,...

I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

Ms. Payne brought my heart much pain. To think that such a beautiful woman could possibly do something so ugly as murder made my heart dry up—as all the blood rushed to my aroused nether...

I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard...

Dear Natalie,In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold...

If love played an instrument, I’ll bet it would be the piano. 88 keys, double infinity, and the ability to chop down trees with a sharpened mustache.

I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.

Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

How many indecisive people does it take to change the world? Just one. And then just one, the same one, to change it back.

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

I am going to think of you every time I don’t have sex. So that’ll mean I’ll always be thinking of you.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.

My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you.

We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and come out a couple. Somebody go tell my clone where I am so he doesn’t go file a missing person’s...

Some people think nature is their God. I’d like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report...

I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.

I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.

She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x.

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, “Self Storage,” and I thought, “I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

Love is like meatloaf—don’t make it after midnight, unless you’re wearing a condom.

Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s?

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.

She has nothing but love for me, and I have nothing but nothing for her.

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart.

If trees had love, instead of leaves, I’d gladly rake you into a pile on my lawn and fall into you.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

Sometimes love will break your heart in two. Or three, depending on if there’s an extra person involved, or how unmanageably large your heart is.

A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven’t heard it because I’m deaf to...

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...