I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

As an aspiring fashion designer, and lover of human anatomy, I always wonder why nipples don’t appear on the outside of shirts.

I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

Words are your friends. And lovers. They feel good in your mouth.

I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people...

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

If we could all drink ourselves to innocence, I’d be guilty. And I mean that in a way that I don’t mean that.

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

I had a dream about you. You were canned laughter, and I was a can of tomato paste. I was organic, but you were completely artificial. You thought people liked having you around, but I...

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

Gas masks could be converted into blowjob machines—and finally put your mom out of business. That’s capitalism. That’s war. That’s love.

I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

I made her a bathing suit—out of saran wrap. We made love like leftovers.

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

We’re not so different, you and I. Sure, we may have different religious beliefs, political outlooks, sexual orientations, economic viewpoints, and artistic/literary/culinary tastes, but deep down we both want the same thing: To be loved...

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM.