Today we’re living in an anti-Waldo world, where you don’t want to blend in and have people struggle to find you. You want your personal brand to stand out like you’re wearing a red and...

I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It’s a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be...

I wasn’t fast asleep. But only because I was sleep walking, and I’m not a speed walker.

Everybody thinks they’re different—and they are—but they all demand to be treated the same. Why?

I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.

A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a...

As an aspiring fashion designer, and lover of human anatomy, I always wonder why nipples don’t appear on the outside of shirts.

Personal branding is more important today than ever. Today is today, right? If today is tomorrow, and it soon will be, then personal branding is even more important. If you haven’t started branding yourself, what...

I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.

I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.

I am possibly the world’s greatest magician, because I don’t just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I’ll bet you’re probably thinking, “I don’t remember seeing you,” or “I’ve never seen you.” And...

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.

It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.

If we could all drink ourselves to innocence, I’d be guilty. And I mean that in a way that I don’t mean that.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

My love for you is like food for a statue. My love is like anything from McDonald’s, because it will never decay and always looks brand new.

The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.

The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.

No matter which end of a hotdog you take your first bite from, I’ll tell you you’re eating it backwards. I’m serious, I think you may be dyslexic.

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him, and not a result of the stabbing.

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

I drink coffee like I urinate—alone, or in large groups. Sometimes I wish I knew the secret handshake.

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up...

She tried to kill me. The problem is she did it slowly, almost invisibly, so the whole murder would take about 50 years.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only...

I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.

As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.

If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be...

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.