I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

The boxer had two black eyes. But that’s to be expected, since he was from Africa.

I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the truth. Or at least that’s what we told your parents. They didn’t need...

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical.

If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay....

sideways” comes out straight.

I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.

Only a retard tries to cut something with the handle of a pair of scissors. Well, only a retard or a politician, but the two are synonymous.

Certain words roll off the tongue like frozen balls of saliva. Words like sure, positive, and definite—you know, words that are certain.

The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!

Bribery—it’s the way to get ahead. At least in politics.

Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.

She said if you don’t dance and you wear no pants I will marry you. I said, I do.

SETI scans the stars searching for extraterrestrial intelligence, which pretty much rules out them ever finding an alien politician.

Three men walk into a bar. The third guy’s name is 333. The first guy’s name is The Second Guy, and the second guy’s name is I’m Not Lying. One of these men is not...

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to...

I drove your lunch to work, and I parked it in my stomach.

I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is (it originated in Reno during the Falconi Reno Reign of Terror).

How much distance should there be between art and artist? I’d say no more than a lifetime.

I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the magical bonding that occurs between two people when duct tape binds them together...

Eleven out of ten people surveyed said they appreciate nonsense.

In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in...

I’m claustrophobic. Your love is suffocating me and making me panic like the Crash of ’29. Just give me some space, and soon I’ll be all 1930 and we can try to make things work.

I’ll leave the door cracked, because cracked is better than broken.

Love makes the world go round. Too bad love doesn’t make the world go other shapes, like tetrahedron.

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

I make love in the rain, alone, under an umbrella, because people in phone booths cannot be trusted. I hang my clothes up like I hang up a phone—long distance.

In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and in fact, Thor has an Erdős number of three. This means that Thor...

I opened a storefront with a 6’ ceiling. I did it for the low overhead.

I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.

I’m in the movie business. I tear ticket stubs.

A tie is a two-way loss, not a double win. Only a loser feels like a winner by being the equal of his opponent.

A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.

Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

I dance like I have a chip on my shoulder. I dance salsa.

Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

When I go out to eat at restaurants, I don’t like chains. I prefer whips.

Since the day I was born, I’ve spent my time being a human being, and I regard this as a good decision. But not a great one.

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you.

My password is meatlover. My profile picture is a pizza. My love for you is real, like an invisible and inaudible mime parade.

I don’t want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

A blanket could be used to warm the hearts of all the nonbelievers. We are all nonbelievers, because nobody believes in everything.

Love, like hefty leftover stew, could be eaten with a spoon—or with some homeless guy I just met. I would offer you some, but we haven’t met yet. And whose fault is that? Oh yeah—yours.

I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

I just ate at a new McDonald’s franchise, and it was great. Everything looked new, including the food. Apparently fast food will look new for years, sort of like plastic. I wonder if the toys...