A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up.

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

Jacksonville has more sex offenders than any city since Sodom. Or Gomorrah. Actually, I may be mistaken. I always confuse sex offender with politician.

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

One woman is smirking, and another is averting her eyes with disinterest. It’s just like what happens when I bring up politics with strangers.

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.

You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who...

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

I have bumper stickers for my website all over this city. Some are even on bumpers.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

I’ll be there in a minute.

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

If I win her I’ll lose myself, but I’ll have gained more than I’ve lost. This is love.

He asked me an important question, so I said nothing, but silently reached for a piece of paper and scribbled down the words: Peacocks love peach cobbler.

The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

Sometimes I pretend I’m from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future’s like, huh?

A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.

A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

If you take away my office, how will I get no work done?

Yield.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

How am I? I would be good if I weren’t stuck at work. I work at a glue factory.

Sun Tzushi.

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

Like eggs, I’m scrambling to get ahead in this economic depression.

If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.

I don’t need a blanket. I need your naked body on top of me.

I go to networking events because what else am I going to do? I’ve already finished my daily planning for how to take over the world.