The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.

If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth.

I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.

I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.

I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so heavy it’s like an anti flotation device. If I can barely even carry it, I can understand how it’s a burden...

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.

With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.

People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.

My friend fell in a pool, so I brought him to the hospital in a bucket. Half of him splashed out when I peed in it. I tried to save him, but I’m no Ryan...

I love you” can stop bleeding faster than a Band-Aid. It’s true. It worked for me after I stabbed my grandpa.

You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still...

If you just found out you had six months left to live, the first thing I’d do is apologize for not delivering the letter 182 days ago, when your doctor first handed it to me...

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Rich mahogany wood was used to construct the bookshelves, and the floor is also hardwood of the same deep tone. Copper trim was used to accent the wood, and the only place to sit is...

I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into...

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up.

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious.

I’ve forgotten if I’m a member of the Remember Club, but the memory of my love for her will never fade.

I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for it. Ha! Wait, a buyer who gets pennies on the dollar is the...

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor.

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

recession.” No matter how many millions of jobs are lost, how much debt our country accrues, or how many years the stagnation drags on, it’s not a depression until the dogmatic media officially declares it...

Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you...

Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

Pterodactyl has a silent P. I talk entire conversations using only silent letters. They’re also invisible. My I love yous are camouflaged amidst my absence.

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Everywhere I go, I bring Bring, and a feeling of redundancy. I love you because I love you—and because I love you. What more do you want?

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

I’m a feminist. That’s why I own a dishwasher.

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

I picked up the knife to cut the melon, and then smashed it with my fist instead.