I drink coffee with a spoon, and I eat soup with a straw. The clang of metal on an empty mug wakes me up to the moment and reminds me to love.

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

Yes, but they also don’t protest when you root through their pockets.

Critique my better work only, because I want to get better from my best, not better from my worst.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to...

I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.

Here in Jacksonville there’s a road called Commonwealth Blvd., and today as I was driving on it, I realized how socialist the name sounds.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

The guy in the white fedora looks like he’s reading a love letter. I say that only because he looks so confused, what else could the subject matter be?

I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It’s good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.

It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.

I like hunting trees, because they don’t run away. I call it hunting, but others might call it farming.

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since I first met her. And being the best man doesn’t make me feel...

I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then I’ll offer each one of them one magical night of sex with me,...

I can’t remember if I’ve time traveled, because memory only covers the past, and it’s likely I’ve only been to the future. But that’s natural, because that’s where I store all my love.

When Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow meet, only Today gets to shake hands twice. That makes Today twice as important as the other two. But it also means that Today must be careful, because who knows...

Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.

My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.

Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through to coma.

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

Sexy is fine. So is OK.

I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking,...

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?

Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.

Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.

I make love like Jello-O is liquid. And I masturbate like Jell-O is solid. I’m tired of sex with blow up dolls.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I’d like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.

Twitter—up to the minute minute details.

Blood is like water, to a vampire. And coffee is like blood, to a tired mosquito. And my love is like an itch—and a scratch.

My love is tube shaped. Don’t let your dad stick his dick in it.

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...