To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.

What is art? Art is tar, rearranged. Art is tar on canvas or tar on tarp or tar on a naked body. Art is a bird chirping changed into something visual. Art is an image...

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now that she left and took all her love.

I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people...

If I took a candy bar, ripped off the wrapper, ate the candy bar, and pinned the wrapper to the wall, is that art, performance art, both, or neither?

The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such a surprise.

Love is on the move like a picture of a statue. I should know, because I painfully painted it.

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.

You must overcome failure to succeed, and champions know how to lose. That’s why I don’t need to win to know that I’m a champion.

I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

I had a dream about you. I had a boomerang and you had a Frisbee. You asked if I wanted to play catch, and I said yes. Then you stood around waiting for me to...

If I were a mannequin, I’d know people would only want me for my body. But that’s OK, because that’s how it is now.

A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I kept telling them, I didn’t steal a person—I kidnapped a mannequin. Is that...

I had a dream about you. You were Mickey Mantle, and I was a fireplace without a mantle. I didn’t like baseball, so I kept telling you that you could do something productive with your...

It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.

Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I’ve always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.

A brick could be used to deny you your dreams. And a blanket could be used as a gateway to all your dreams.

She was a tall drink of water, and I was a glass half full kind of guy—half full of lust. Actually, my glass was half full of Kool-Aid powder, which is why I lusted for...

I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.

A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what I was doing on the night of June 6th, tell them I was...

A real patriot doesn’t unconditionally stick up for his government—he stands up for freedom.

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

A blanket could be used as a distraction. Wave it to the right, while you loot to the left.

Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I’ll interrogate and torture it.

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.

I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash...

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

Like a 9-5 business at 4:59 pm, her legs were open.

When Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow meet, only Today gets to shake hands twice. That makes Today twice as important as the other two. But it also means that Today must be careful, because who knows...

Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.

My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.

Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through to coma.

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.

Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...