Here’s a towel to dry your tears. I just wiped my ass with it.

Here’s a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, “Obsession.”Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.

My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like...

There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then make up later.

A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013! I hope you still speak Europe and can understand not a word of...

Man has to eat, so thank God some food tastes good. However, if men had no taste buds, or sense of smell, all food would be good. So hooray! And also boo for boring. That’d...

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

A brick could be used to declare war on a country made of glass. I’ll bet those citizens would love to drink vodka dyed blue like window cleaner.

Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds.

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

I travel by foot. It’s like a wheelchair in a microwave it’s so easy to camel. I sleep on a pillow made of coffee, and I’d ask you to turn out the light when you’re...

I write sappy love poetry. Mostly about bleeding trees.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

In real life I was alone, but in my dream I was in a crowd, and that’s why I farted. But being the gentleman that I am, I blamed it on your dad.

If the word “committee” were an acronym, the two “T”s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t trust a beautiful woman. One minute she’s smiling at you seductively, and the next she’s trying to stab you with the pen you wouldn’t...

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

If you already knew, why did you ask?

A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one who warned you about dating a politician.

I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container. That way it’ll stay fresher for longer.

My voice smells like a shout. Especially when I eat silence.

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick.

It must be awful to be on a team with a superstar, someone much better than everyone else. At least that’s how my teammates must feel about me. But who cares? They’re just my clones.

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.

A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge.

I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret itself is love, and lies outside of one.

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.

I once met a man who couldn’t think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was...

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want...